Releasing Unwanted Triggers; Part 1

Do you ever have moments of being triggered by your past, and either in the moment or afterward, you experience regret, shame, or embarrassment?  Chances are, when you are triggered, you pass on that residue to people who were NOT the source of your pain, anger and feelings of sadness.  If you're walking away from an interaction with guilt, shame, or a bad feeling about the exchange, chances are that the pain of the past has been bottled up and is now being directed at someone who is convenient to give it to.

Why post this now, in the middle of the holiday season? With the holidays comes added stress; end of the year evaluations, reports, exams, holiday shopping, anxiety over gift giving, added pressures of parties, social gatherings, stress of finances, travel, and familial expectations, just to name a few. When stress levels are high, it is easy for suppressed emotion to come to the surface.  THIS is the perfect time of the year to focus on unwanted triggers.

If your current state of upset was not all brought on by current circumstances, where did it originate, why is it surfacing now, and what do you do about it?

In this article, I will focus on answering your question of, "Where did it come from?"  In order to find the source of your pain, I want you to first take a deep breath. As you breath with me, release the self-blame, shame, and guilt you may be feeling for the emotions that you have. Harboring judgement about your triggers hinders you from releasing them AND it prevents you from learning in the moment.  (Tweet that)

As you continue to focus on the breathing and allow yourself to take deep, centering, and slightly controlled breaths, force the air from your lungs, purging all of the toxic, stale air that is kept down with any stress, worry, or anxiety that you're experiencing in the day.  It helps to make a sound as you release the breath.  The sound supports you in releasing that trapped air, bringing fresh oxygen to the body.

Once you've cleared your energy with breathing, ask yourself to identify what trigger is being brought up. And then, ask yourself the first time you experienced that emotion. It may help if you close your eyes and allow yourself to visualize the source of your trigger. What are the hurts that reside in your past?  Bringing old pain and anger to the present moment will help you to identify the source of where your trigger is coming from.

Throughout the week, continue this exercise on a regular basis.  It is extremely important for you to allow the experiences of your past to surface while remaining an observer, and not to judge.  While remaining in the observer role, journal, move your body, exercise, drink plenty of water (supporting your body to release the toxins of the emotions being released), eat as many healthy, raw foods as possible, and take notes about your experience. Notice the memories that trigger you the most. Again, this is not a space of judging and re-attaching to the emotion, but instead simply noticing the reality of it. Become aware of being triggered by these past sources of pain. This present-day trigger is an indicator that the emotion of the event is still alive today and is in need of being cleared.

As you process the earliest sources of your pain, continue to focus on your breathing. Practice free-flow journaling, writing unedited and without judgement for a minimum of three pages.  Connect paper to pen, as this stimulates different areas of the brain and will give you the best results for processing.  Refrain from giving it attention outside of your designated exercises. If processing with others is necessary for you during the week, be sure to do it with safe and healthy company, preferably in therapy, with a coach or a counselor.  Discussing it in an unhealthy ways of blaming, shaming, and judging (yourself or others) can jeopardize the healing release that you seek.

Giving yourself permission to identify the source of the trigger is the FIRST step in releasing it. In Part 2 of this article, I'll discuss the reasons for the unwanted and misdirected emotion showing up in your life now. Following that will be Part 3 of this blog, where I share more about what you can do in the present moment to avoid passing the pain on to present-day experiences and relationships.

Before I send you on your way to do this work, it is important that you know one more thing - - your emotion is OK.  You do not need to feel shame or judgement about it.  What happened in your past to give you a source of pain was NOT ok. It is NOT your fault that you were unable to process your emotions and your experience safely and properly at the moment of it's conception. You did what you knew how, with the tools that you had at the time. Congratulations for being READY and focused on taking charge of doing something about it TODAY.  THANK YOU for taking the time to go through this process and allowing yourself (and others) the gift of releasing your triggers from the past.  As you heal, others are healing with you.

Star Staubach is an Aliveness Coach, Radio Show Host and International Motivational Speaker, and founder of Ignite Radiance.  Star is dedicated to supporting you to release wounds of the past, lovingly holding a space for personal accountability while fully embracing the unique brilliance of each individual. Visit http://www.IgniteRadiance.com for your free mp3 Download, "5 Steps to Release the Overwhelm and Return to the Joys of Life".

"It is about the Spirit, Momma"

As I was reading The Grinch Who Stole Christmas to my 4.5 year old the other night before bed, she turned to me and said, "Momma, Christmas isn't about what we can buy in a store, Christmas is about Spirit."  When I asked her to clarify, she said that spirit felt good.  Together, we identified that the holidays are about connecting, caring, loving, sharing, giving and yes, receiving.

It got me thinking. How can we, as a family, as a society, and how can I as an entrepreneur, spread the Spirit of the season?  What can each of us be doing, without HUGE effort, without breaking the bank, that would leave someone's day a little brighter?

The myth is out there that our contribution needs to be GRAND to make a difference. I believe that it can be as simple as a smile, a compliment to a stranger, a fresh piece of fruit to the homeless person who is picking through the garbage (I've been known to run out in freezing temperatures in my bath robe, chasing after the homeless, food in hand).

This blog post, The Kindness Elves, inspired me to start a new tradition in our family.  Our elves showed up, as delivered by St. Nick. They arrived with a note of instruction to spread the Holiday Spirit by doing things that would bring cheer to others: connecting, sharing, giving, and loving.

For her first act of sharing the cheer, my daughter counted her coins and went to the store with my husband to choose a toy for a little girl in need.  In case you're wondering what a 4-year-old buys for a 5-year-old, she chose a set of kiddie nail polish.  Another day we made brownies and delivered them to the neighbors. Other ideas include making gifts, cards, and ornaments for friends and family.  What would you add to the list?

I decided to take this principle of sharing, giving, connecting, and spreading cheer and make it more personal for me. I launched December - Month of Giving, which started out at around a $750 value and doubled within hours of begin released.  Others are joining in on the joy of giving by sharing their gifts and it is beautiful to witness.

There is science to back up this GOOD feeling that we experience.  As Dr. Christine Carter shared in her recent blog post, "Happiness Tip: Give Yourself a Helper's High", helping others makes YOU feel good! As you focus on someone else, it distracts you from your problems, releases anxiety, and connects you with a sense of greater purpose.

No matter what religion, faith, or belief you practice, I believe that each of us can feel the buzz in the air during this time of year.  It is a time when we elevate love and compassion with one another. What will you do to contribute to spreading the Spirit of the Holidays?

December - a Month of GIVING

While spending time with my family over the Thanksgiving holiday, I had the opportunity to observe the madness that comes with Holiday shopping and purchasing. As we're all sitting around the dinner table, flipping through the pages of Black Friday ads, I found myself getting caught up, "I need those boots. My husband needs a new coat. I need to RUSH out and get this on SALE, and I better hurry, the sale starts in a few hours (THANKSGIVING NIGHT)!  It all seems a bit maddening for me.  Don't get me wrong, if it works for you, AWESOME!  What I know FOR SURE is that it DOES NOT work for me.  In fact, it DETRACTS from radiance!  Whenever overwhelm and anxiety are present, radiance goes out the window.

As a business owner, this madness comes with a different kind of pressure, "I SHOULD offer a LIMITED time, BIG offer, so that I can capitalize on this "opportunity" aka -CRAZINESS."  I choose not to buy into that.  Once I caught my breath and returned to MY OWN sense of reality, I realized that I didn't want to  buy or SELL anything, but instead, I wanted to GIVE!

In the spirit of GIVING through the month of December, I have created an opportunity for YOU to participate AND RECEIVE - FREE gifts!

Here are a list of the 10 gifts that you can be eligible for:

1. 21 Days of Empowered Choices - 3 to be given away!
2. 21 Day Challenge to RECEIVE! - 3
3. 1/2 hour consultation - 3
4. 2 Hour - Radiance Reboot - 1

Total value of prizes - $748!!!  

How do you become eligible?  

SHARE!  Share something simple, grand, unexpected and POST about it in the comments below! Want EXTRA opportunities to enter, stop over to Ignite Radiance on Facebook and "like" our page of inspiration!  Invite your friends to join you!

Here are a few ideas:
Purchase a coffee for the person behind you in line.
Set the intention of giving random compliments for the day.
Purchase a bag of apples or oranges and pass them out to co-workers or visitors at your office.

The magic of the holidays cannot be purchased in a store.  It comes from your heart.  It is NOT about business.  It is about connecting, sharing and spreading love.  It is in this spirit that I invite you to JOIN me on this December GIVEATHON! What are you prepared to do for this GIVEATHON??

There is NOTHING wrong with you!

I spent DECADES on/off anti-depressants, with feelings of being "broken", weight and body image issues and a DEEP pain from feeling like no matter what I achieved, it would NEVER be enough to overcome my internal pain, shame, and negative self-chatter. I spent my teen years thinking that I would never fit in. I HATED being different, and in fact, I shamed the one thing that now saves me, my uniqueness -- my inner and outer radiance. 

My name is Star, this is the name I was given at birth.  Growing up, I remember wanting to be named after Cyndi Brady of the Brady Bunch.  I wanted anything that felt normal.  My desire to fit in would take on many different forms: over-achiever, making unhealthy choices to be liked by others, and ultimately letting go of small pieces of myself, so that I wouldn't let someone else down.  I was willing to do almost anything to be loved by others.  That led to shame, blame, and seriously negative self-talk. 

Through it all, I thought something was WRONG with me -- my genetic makeup, brain chemistry, learning style, family background, and I could keep going with the list.  What I know now is that NOTHING IS WRONG WITH ME.  In fact, EVERYTHING is RIGHT with me, when I learn to LOVE myself and the gifts I have come here to share.  I say the same thing to you, "THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU!"  The only thing wrong is the fact that you are having such powerfully strong feelings of negative self-talk.  That mind chatter debilitates your SHINE and limits your ability to achieve true success. 

Now that life of pain feels like a distant memory, but it DOES fuel me to support YOU to move from that space and wake up to a LOVE affair with YOURSELF AND YOUR LIFE! I am deeply passionate about supporting women and teenage girls to fully EMBRACE their radiance and release the pain of playing it down. I played it down for decades - OUCH!  I tried MANY successful and UNSUCCESSFUL strategies. Are you feeling like you may be struggling from negative self-talk, self-doubt, fear, shame, and blame?  Below are a few things you can do to leave that behind and create a reality you LOVE! 

1. LOVE, value, and APPRECIATE yourself.

This starts with self-care, clear boundaries, and at times, making your needs a priority.

2. Take in feedback from others without letting it dictate YOUR choices. 

Feedback from others, especially from those you trust, is REALLY important.  If you're anything like me, up until now, you've allowed that feedback to heavily influence your choices, only to leave you blaming them when it didn't work out.  It also means that you learn to trust others more than you trust yourself.  

3. Establish HEALTHY, supportive, and THRIVING relationships with loving people.

"A rising tide raises all ships."  If you want your life to start changing, it will be important for you to be around people who are wiling to rise and bring you with them.  Studies show that if Sally is a smoker, then friends of Sally's are MUCH more likely to smoke than someone who is friends of a non-smoker.   

4. Clarify what you want.  

Allow yourself to quiet the outside chatter enough to get clear about what YOU want. You can do this through mediation, dance, quietly listening to music, yoga, journal (20 min suggested), and healthy exercise, to name a few.  Clearing the mind with these tools will help you to create a space to be able to discern between your voice and the pressure of the outside voices (which you may be internalizing). 

5. Take Personal Responsibility for you Actions.  

Allow yourself to set baby goals and start sticking to them! Start off slow, one goal/week.  Let yourself experience the success of SMALL steps!  Take ACTION and be responsible for your results!  Take a "no excuses" kind of approach.

6. Release the responsibility you feel for what others experience. 

You're a people-pleaser and you do not want to let anyone else down.  In the process of pleasing others, you often let yourself down. In doing so, you allow room for silent resentment, anger, and feelings of unworthiness.  Know that you are not responsible for what someone else experiences.  

7. Make decisions that resonate with YOUR values.  

Decisions are difficult for you to make and you'd prefer not to make them at all. In fact, making a decision when it involves the welfare of others creates great anxiety for you. Making choices on behalf of someone else feels too overwhelming for you, because you take on the responsibility for the happiness of others. 

8. Remember, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU!  

The situation STINKS, you do not!  There are circumstances in life that bring us down, that does not mean that we have to stay down!  NO!!  Connect with the truth, that you are AMAZING!  You have unique gifts to share and an inner radiance that is unlike anyone else.  

Through it all, keep looking up, not behind you or below you.  Make a point of setting your eyes on someone who has already achieved this happiness and model what they are doing, spend time with them, and get clear about what you'd like to be experiencing. I BELIEVE in you, because I watch clients JUST LIKE YOU move through their own stuff with grace, ease, and tremendous appreciation for the co-creative process.  

No more excuses, I'm claiming responsibility

I'm making a pledge in the month of November to TAKE responsibility for my choices!  I'm inviting you to JOIN ME! 

Are you tired of the excuses? I am!  They're exhausting!  I get it, they are a reality.  I understand that circumstances might feel overwhelming and limiting.  Blaming others, circumstances or the situation only leaves me feeling heavy, burdened, overwhelmed and powerless.  When I take responsibility for my own actions, I feel more empowered, energized and ALIVE!  I want more of that, how about you? 

My pledge to myself and to you this month is to focus on feeling RESPONSIBLE for the way I feel in my body.  The trick for me, I'm 5 months pregnant.  Pregnancy doesn't alway make me feel like I have control of what I'm experiencing, feeling and how I look.  That said, there ARE things that I can be doing more of to feel the way that I want to be experiencing in my body.  I let go of the parts that I cannot control; the baby inside of me growing, moving organs around and shifting the shape of my body.  I AM responsible for how I feel about it and what I do for my body during the process. 

Taking personal responsibility and holding you accountable is what I do.  I'm here to hold your hand, support you to take responsibility and let go of that which may be out of your control.  Will you take this pledge with me?  Join myself and thousands of others who are showing up and allowing themselves to feel empowered, fully ALIVE and in charge of life. 

Are you wanting to have greater support during this process?  GREAT!  I'm hosting a LIVE teleconference on the #1 mistake you're making that is keeping you from making empowered choices.  I'm sharing that and POWERFUL tips for you on Tuesday, November 5. Register here to receive more details.

Star Staubach is a Aliveness Coach with Ignite Radiance. She is deeply passionate about supporting mothers, women and teen girls to fully embrace their radiance and release the pain of playing it down.  Star played it down for decades - OUCH! 

Get Your Hands off of the trigger and CONNECT!

Is your relationship with your child pushing your buttons? Feel like pushing back? Notice what happens when you do. Does it feel good when you fight back?  Maybe, temporarily. If you are anything like me and you allow yourself to be triggered by your child or someone else, you later feel like crap. I have thoughts that surface, “I didn’t know that I had that in me. How ugly!  I AM a nasty mother, just like I feared.  I need to apologize.” There are times when we thing that this “ugly” is needed, and yet, more often than not, what is needed is the exact opposite.  

Our initial reaction, when being triggered by our children is to either run away from the situation or to stand and fight it. This reaction is coming from our amygdala, the “fight or flight” portion of our brain. This area of the brain is activated when we experience stress, which includes emotional stress.  

When stress is produced in your body, messages are being sent to your brain that you are in danger. The brain is misinterpreting emotional discomfort as a PHYSICAL pain and thus the reaction is FIGHT or FLIGHT. With that misinterpretation, you are likely to REACT with behavior that will elevate the pain of the situation, rather than relieve it.  

The problem with reacting from this space is that there is no improvement for either party. When being emotionally triggered, what is needed is the exact OPPOSITE response of what might feel instinctual; fight or flight. Instead, when you infuse love and connection to the situation, you experience a drastically different dynamic. When you’re first reaction is to throw up your dukes and start fighting it out or to run and hide from the pain, you are only creating more of what you are seeking to avoid. By infusing love, compassion and connection into the scenario, you are diffusing the disconnection, hurt and blame and instead expediting your potential to get closer to where you want to be, connected to your child. 

No one WANTS to be fighting and hurting. BOTH parties want to be experiencing something other than what is happening. Are you willing to respond differently, so that you can move toward your desired outcome? Stop the chatter in your mind for a moment, you know the thoughts, “BUT she was WRONG for yelling at me first. I have a RIGHT to fight back. I don’t want to let HER win this. She needs to know that I am in charge! I want her to know that she is WRONG. I don’t want to back down and appear weak.” and any other form of negative talk that is keeping you from your desired outcome.  WHO CARES if she was wrong first? You cannot solve that by elevating the situation.  She can actually HEAR you if she is feeling safe and connected.  So, GO THERE FIRST!  Connect first.  Are you willing to do what feels uncomfortable, so that you can experience a different outcome?  When you do, not only will you grow, but your relationship will too!  

This post was written for mothers, however the techniques can be applied to ANY and ALL relationships. 

Star Staubach is a Aliveness Coach with Ignite Radiance. She is deeply passionate about supporting mothers, women and teen girls to fully embrace their radiance and release the pain of playing it down.  Star played it down for decades - OUCH! 

Who am I to stand in the way of MY Dream?

I have a confession to make.  I've allowed myself to be held back, because of my own fears.  This week, as I came face-to-face with those fears of taking myself to MY next level, I thought of you.  I thought of the men and women who are out there feeling stuck by their situation, stuck in a job they do not love, circumstances that are leaving them feeling drained and disconnected.  

If we allow ourselves to be in this space too long, we develop a growing list that holds us back from taking the next step.  I had the thought, "Who am I to let my fears stand in the way of being of GREATER service?"  And so it was in that moment that I surrendered.

Gift yourself with a belief in YOU and what you want to see for yourself. The most genius minds and the most successful people around us had to, at one time, believe in themselves enough to take that step.  

Here are a few ways that you can start demonstrating YOUR belief in yourself.
 

Take the next step by:

• Making a PUBLIC statement to friends, family, and Social Media (tag Ignite Radiance), about your GOAL. Making it public helps you to hold YOURSELF accountable.  We all need that.  I repeat - WE ALL NEED THAT! 

• Making the investment.  It may mean purchasing supplies you've been needing, new guitar strings, art supplies, or investing in partnering with someone who can support you to YOUR next level (a coach, business consultant, web designer, etc.).  THIS may be one of the most challenging tasks, since MANY of us are limited by finances.  This can lead into an entirely different list. 

• Setting aside time to TAKE that next step.  Set aside WEEKLY time to dedicate yourself to the goal you say you want.  For YEARS I didn't think I had the time.  I thought I was confined to my situation.  

• Seeing yourself living that goal.  Visualize it.  Journal about it.  What does life look like for you when you've accomplished this goal.  See yourself accomplishing it.  Visualization has been proven to be an successful  strategy for improving a skill and reaching a goal.  

• JUST DOING IT!  You've set aside the time, now make it happen.  Do not let other "tasks" get in the way. Otherwise, we'll always find an excuse to keep avoiding what we KNOW we want.  In the process of avoiding it, we're keeping ourselves stuck. 

• Get clear about the BIGGER picture.  Be clear about how YOUR living this dream and accomplishing your goal is a service to others.  Deep down, we all have a desire to share our gifts with others.  

• Ask for a help.  Ask for miracles.  Ask for Divine guidance.  Ask for support.  Do not EVER think that you have to do this alone.  YOU are not alone.  Once you take the step, doors will open for you.

If you want support in IGNITING your life, joy, career, relationship, or success, contact Aliveness Coach Star Staubach of Ignite Radiance!