Beyond Excuses; Creating the Life You Desire

Have you ever caught someone saying that they want something, only to follow with a reason why they cannot receive that which they desire?  "I really want to change my job/life/relationship, but I cannot because of (insert excuse).  Have you ever offered to fix someone's excuse, believing the truth in it, only to realize that the excuse offered was just that, an excuse to get out doing the work required to change it?  Can you think of a time when you were good at making excuses?  What are your greatest and most dominant excuses?  I have a list of them myself.  I catch myself saying, "I am a stay-at-home-mom. I cannot make time for myself.  I don't have the luxury of giving to myself, my business, my needs."  The only truth in that statement is, "I am a stay-at-home-mom."  We all have the same 24 hours in a day.  We each make choices about how we choose to spend the valuable resource of our time and money.  I am in the business of being with individuals as they bring about powerful and lasting change in life.  I get to be with clients as they move through the space of resistance.

What stops us from making big changes?  What keeps me making excuses?  The same things that keep you from making changes;

1. Dissuasion.  I tell myself that life is fine the way that it is, I don't really need to be doing anything differently.  Asking for more is greedy.  There are a number of things I tell myself that lead me away from seeking what it is that I deeply desire.  What do you find yourself saying when you know that a change is calling?
2. Distraction.  I could have a master's degree in distraction.  There are times when I can be in the flow of change and suddenly I'll find myself being attracted to the drama of life.  Other common distractions:  "I'll put myself on the dating market as soon as I lose weight."  "I'll invest in myself as soon as I get the raise that I've been wanting."   What is it that you tell yourself when you are on the way to creating positive change for  yourself?
3.  Fear.  Fear is the last ditch effort I make to self sabotage when moving toward change.  Fear can take over as I listen to the little voice inside screaming at me, "Who do you think you are?  Do you really think this change will amount to anything?  Do you really think you'll be able to pull that off?  Give it up, you can't make this last."  What is your fear yelling at you?  When have you noticed fear keeping you from moving toward the life of your dreams?

The dissuasion, distraction and fear are not the truth of who you are and what life has in store for you.  As you calm the voices of dissuasion, distraction and fear, you will come out of this space stronger, more confident and feeling more connected to your authentic power.

So how do you do it? Be gentle with yourself.  Be observer.  Simply notice and give attention to the voice within.  When you notice the voice, where you are in your process, you allow yourself the gift of creating clarity.  With that clarity and new awareness, you now have the ability to choose.  You can choose your thought and your actions.  What is next?  What will support you to move through it?  Contact a friend, ask for support, JUST DO IT!  You already know the results of NOT doing it.  Allow yourself the gift of receiving the benefits of breaking through the barrier of fear, distraction and dissuasion.


                                       

The Success of Stumbling

My youngest daughter started walking recently.  Watching her progress from standing to taking a step, to taking multiple steps and now walking with greater confidence has reminded me of the amazing ability we have to get back up and keep trying!  I cannot count the number of times I've watched her fall on her face or onto her diaper padded bottom, only to see her put her hands out in front of her and push herself up again to keep practicing her new skill. Growing pains are aptly named.  They are uncomfortable.  You may have noticed that your growth doesn't feel so great at times.  GOOD!  This is exactly what you are meant to be experiencing.  This means that growth is on your horizon.  Keep it up!  Keep moving, breathing, waking up and working through this space of change, as it is leading you to the next level of success!  Feeling scared of that next job opportunity?  Feeling uncertain about your next project?  Feeling uneasy about what will happen next, and how will it all work out?  These can be the questions that come up when we are ready to experience something transformative.  If this space is causing you anxiety, stress, and discomfort, allow yourself to listen to what you are experiencing.  Allow it to support you to what awaits you; new opportunity, new possibility, new growth, new habits, new skills.   May you recognize that those baby steps are a necessary part of the journey to reach the peak of the mountain.  AND, I wouldn't expect my daughter to climb a mountain or run a marathon with her newfound skill of walking.  This is a space to be gentle with yourself.  Practice baby steps.  Allow room for yourself to stumble.  Know that you always have the option to remain at the stage that you are currently experiencing, just as you have the choice to pick up and keep pushing to the next level of success.  The choice is yours.  Will you remain where you are or will you remember the skill you have to keep trying?

Visionaries Welcome!

Steve Jobs wore many titles; visionary, CEO of Apple, businessman, and successful entrepreneur to name a few.  He did not stop at his first success.   We did not watch him produce his first computer only to walk away with a fortune.  Long after his first successful computer, continued to dream, to design and to believe in himself and his ability to continue pushing himself to expand.  As a life coach, this is what I support my clients to do; expand, believe in themselves and in the ability to dream bigger.  Life doesn't have to be a struggle to receive the benefits of coaching.   I believe in you, in your talents, in your ability to achieve your grandest goals.  What are you ready to build upon?  What successes are you ready to expand to the next level?  What best supports you to continue on your journey of expansion?

"Am I attractive?"

I recently saw an article about teen girls posting videos of themselves on YouTube inquiring, "Am I Attractive?"  If you are anything like me you are feeling saddened at their desperate quest for approval.  I may not be going to the same extreme for approval, and yet there are times when I too find myself being defined by what you, they, he/she thinks about me.  If we are defined by what others think of us, then who do we become?  When do we know who's critique to give attention to? When do we know the search for critiquing is complete?  We cannot control what others are going to say or think about us.  What we can control is who we are choosing to show up as.  What we can control are our thoughts about who we are.  We can choose what to do with the feedback that we receive.  Feedback can be appreciated and helpful, yet it does not have much meaning if we do not have a solid understanding of who we are.  Who you are, is amazing!  Who you are, is prosperous!  Who you are, is love.  What more would you add to your list of who you are?

Heroes Aren't Born, They're Cornered!

I wish I could report to you that every time I made up my mind to create change in my life, I did it with ease, grace and great speed.  Although there have been times when I've experienced some element of ease, grace and unexpected speed here and there, it is in no way the norm for me.  In fact, I tend to learn that a move might be important for me after spending time banging my head on the solid wall standing in front of me.   I did not love the last job I left.  It was a job where I was being physically abused, a place where I quite literally had feces being thrown at me.  I had a behavior plan in place which involved asking a student to, "Hit me harder, hit me again."  Sound crazy?  It was.  I spend many evenings in tears, crying to my husband about how much I hated the job, how I wasn't serving myself or my students.  It took that level of physical and emotional discomfort for me to take the steps toward a new job, a new opportunity, a new reality.  That job was my brick wall.  I stayed with it, feeling as though I were stuck.  I bought into limiting beliefs about how I had to maintain the salary that I was making.  I believed that if I left I wouldn't find another job.  I told myself that I had to stay until it got better.  I have news for you, it wasn't getting better.  I spent nearly a year of being in this stuck space before I allowed myself to explore the idea that I could have something different.  Once I aligned with that possibility, I started to see creative ways out of the situation of feeling stuck.  I opened up to a greater reality than what I was experiencing.  With the awareness that I couldn't go on with this existence, I realized that the next step was up to me.   It was perhaps the hardest step of all; stepping into faith.  What transpired from there seemed surreal.   I left my job, jumped into living with greater purpose and have never had a moment of regret for leaving that place of employment.
Are you finding yourself feeling stuck?  Are you feeling as though you're facing a brick wall?  Know that you are not alone.  "Heroes aren't born, they're cornered!"  Thanks, Mickey Rooney, this quote resonates with me.
If you find yourself in an uncomfortable corner, know that it is your opportunity to look up to see the next level that is within your grasp.  Are you ready to reach for it?  Will you allow yourself to believe that you can have something different than what you are experiencing?  Are you ready to release the stress of this current situation?

Mental Weight Lifting

Someone asked me today, "Star, how are you?"  As I answered with my usual, "Oh, things are good...." I found myself stuffing down how I was really feeling, which is an overall heaviness.  Later she asked, "You don't seem like yourself, last time I saw you, you had an amazing positive energy about you.  What is going on?"  I felt as if I had been caught stealing.  Red faced and heart racing, I could feel the tension inside of me.  And then I blurted out, "There has been a lot going on with my family.  My brother.... and my mother has been a hand full too..."  This conversation led to a lot of heavy issues, you know, the kind that might feel taboo to talk about.  I left that interaction feeling the weight of all of them.  I came home, sat with the question, "What was that?  What did you just open up?"  This is what came back at me, "Honey, you are feeling the weight and heaviness of those around you, because you haven't been dedicated to doing your own work, the work that keeps you centered, the work that keeps you grounded, the work that allows you to stay in that space of true understanding, knowing that these heavy issues are not yours to absorb.  These issues are ALWAYS there.  Some days they are a bit more intense than others, yet they are always there.  Today feels heavy, because you have allowed your strength to slip."  Yes, busted!  I have been giving my attention to the issues that feel heavy, leaving me feeling the weight of them.  It is in this moment that I declare that I will get back on that bandwagon of doing my work by journaling, exercising my mind, challenging myself in healthy ways, and when needed, stepping away from the drama that might come from the situations that are around me.  So, what does it look like to step away from the drama?  It means that I am doing the following:

1. Stop feeding it!
I will not chat about it.  This is sometimes extremely difficult, as these stories are JUICY!  I know that talking (gossiping) about them doesn't serve me, it doesn't serve the listener, and it doesn't serve the party playing the leading role.

2. Focusing on the present moment.  When I bring myself away from the drama of the past or what I fear to be the future, I am able to enjoy the ease of my breath, the gratitude for colors in nature, the weather, everything and anything surrounding me!

3. Taking myself off of the computer/social media, where gossip and stories are spread, where it is easy for me to continue validating the story, as I know it.

4. Go within, allowing myself time to journal, meditate, and pray, so that I can return to what I know to be true, that this drama is not mine and it serves no one to give attention to it.

5. Scheduled time with Friends.

6. Breath.
I focus on my breathing and on the awareness that my body is bringing me to. When I feel the tightness in my chest, the anxiety, the heaviness, I spot it, acknowledge it and give it permission to be released.

7. Exercise

8. LAUGH!
Laugher is a form of release.  It helps "relieve pain, brings greater happiness and can even increase immunity" The Stress Management and Health Benefits of Laughter.

9. PLAY
Nothing quite brings me out of my head and into the moment like giggling children! Don't have children around?  Force yourself to doodle, skip, or simply jump in place.


What do you do when you find yourself ruminating about an issue that is out of your control?  How do you bring yourself to a healthier place?

THANK YOU to my amazing friends, who continue to ask the difficult questions, who continue to support me to grow and who allow me to be in whatever space they may find me in.

Kicking the Fear Habit

When was the last time you been faced with a situation where you felt yourself being challenged to keep moving through to the next step? As I sat down to the computer this morning, I had the intention of writing a press release. Instead, I’m noticing my desire to do anything apart from writing a press release. The house needs to be straightened, I should reach out to that friend in need, e-mails need to be tended to, invoices need to be updated, I have a sudden urge to EAT (yes, I just emptied the remainder of the ice cream in my freezer), the self-sabotaging list grows longer by the minute. I notice that the closer I get to writing this press release that I keep saying that I want to write, the more I feel the desire to give my attention to something else. Internally, I feel my heart racing, my anxiety levels increasing and my body is experiencing an overal tightening. The fear is nearly overwhelming. So, now what? I access my tools:
1. Deepen awareness I get clear about what is happening inside. In this instance, I know that I don’t really want to write a press release. I’m telling myself that I should or that I have to.

2. Identify with clarity With the awareness that I don’t really want to be writing a press release, I move to a place of identifying what it is that I do want, which is to bring my skills and talents as a coach to a broader audience. I’ve told myself that writing a press release and having a published article is that next step. Letting go of that idea that a press release has to be that next step and instead welcoming new ideas.

3. Release judgement The next step for me is to let go of the thoughts of judgement that hold me back from moving forward. Judgement is another excuse to stay put.

4. Reframe thoughts Somewhere along the way I told myself that I had to do this on my own, that it was going to be “hard”. I let go of the idea that it will be hard. I release the idea that I have to do this perfectly or that I have to do it all on my own. When I notice these limiting and sabotaging thoughts, I have the ability to reframe them.

5. Be Gentle with Self while in the processing stage As I reach for the ice cream, I refrain from negative self chatter, which only serves to further distract me from the task before me. I gift myself with the ability to be gentle with myself in the process, knowing that eventually, I’ll crawl my way to the next step, knowing that even with the ice cream polished off, the dishes done and the kitchen shelves rearranged, it is NEVER too late to begin again. The task I have at hand will be there when I am ready to pick it up.

6. Ask for & receive support I release the idea that this has to be all me. I welcome the energy of a fresh outlook, the support of an objective ear, and the wisdom of someone who has greater skills in the area that I feel I have.

7. Move through it and DO IT!

Every task has to start somewhere. I make a list of ways I can start NOW, with what I have, with where I am. I start with the smallest things I can do and I do this without limitation. I let go of the idea that I have to have all of the pieces in place and I do what I can with what I have, trusting that it will eventually come together. Waiting for ALL of the pieces to be in place is another way that I allow myself to stall the process and remain stuck. I let go of being stuck and I move through it. What tools do you have on your list? How do you support yourself to advance to the next level? Like what you're reading? Come "Like" Stellar Evolution Coaching on Facebook. Schedule your very own complimentary consultation with Star Staubach.