5 Tips to Move Through Feeling Heavy-Hearted

If you are anything like me, you've experienced a life challenge (death of a loved one, break up of a long term relationship, diagnosis of a life-altering illness) where, no matter the planning, no matter the attempts at holding a positive attitude, you still feel weighed down by the heaviness of the situation. You move between wanting to crawl into bed and pulling the covers up over your head to wanting to wake up with life returning to "normal", as if your situation didn't exist.  You want to remove yourself from it, making every attempt to distract yourself from feeling the full effect of the pain, hurt, anger, sadness, or other strong emotion that might be leaving you feeling stuck.  The reality is that no matter what you do to remove yourself from it, you still feel mired down by the details of the situation.

The Five Things you need MOST to move through this situation are:

1. Your feelings are there to SERVE YOU.  Let them.

Give yourself permission to feel every emotion that you are experiencing.  Avoiding what you are experiencing will only intensify it later.  Think of your feelings as indicators, such as the indicator on your gas tank, reminding you of when your gas tank needs to be filled up.  When this happens, you take the time to tend to what is needed.  You do not judge it or over-think it (too much), you just do what is needed and move on.  What if you were to do the same with your feelings?  They are here to serve as indicators, gently reminding you of the need to fill up with compassion for and acceptance of yourself, as well as the gift of being present to and for yourself.

2. Freedom to move about your day doing what feels right in the moment.
Take a nap if you need to, cry, exercise, clean, etc. Whatever you need in the moment, you give yourself permission to experience it. This might even mean taking a day off of work so that you can have the freedom to do what feels right for you in the moment.

3. Call-in support.
 It is important to have someone who can listen to you as you express what you are fully feeling.  This person not only listens, but they validate for you the challenge of the situation.  As much as you'd like to see it in a positive light, sometimes, the situation is HEAVY, sometimes it is OK to take a day and be with the weight of it,  and to allow the breakdown.

4. Permission to let go of the ideal image of what it "should" be like.
 In this situation it might be tempting to judge yourself that you should be somewhere other than where you are.  You "should" be experiencing different emotions than you are, you "should" be supporting others, conducting daily chores, etc.  There is NO perfect situation.  No perfect words to share, no perfect emotions to experience, no perfect tasks to move you through.  The perfection is in the imperfection of the moment.  It will feel messy, painful, and chaotic.  If it didn't, you would not be experiencing a true life challenge.

5. Avoid unhealthy ways of numbing the pain.
It can be tempting to turn to alcohol or other substances to numb the pain during this challenging time.  This is not only dangerous, it is counter-productive.  Altering your state with distractions and/or substances means you're pushing away the emotion, not eliminating it.   The only way to eliminate it is to feel it. Numbing your feelings with substances and/or other unhealthy distractions means the emotions will intensify until you cope with them in a real way.

Know that this moment will not last and before you know it, you will emerge with greater strength and a new appreciation of what you have gained from the experience.  Between now and then, hang on to the joy that surrounds you and resides within you, memories of days that are lighter.  

Blessings in the Chaos

Petra Anderson

Petra Anderson was having an evening with girlfriends when she was shot with several bullets in the Aurora, Colorado shooting.  One of those bullets traveled through Petra's brain and stopped at the back of her skull.  The medical professionals expected massive brain injury from such a devastating bullet path through the brain.  When surgeons went in to clean up the damaged brain tissue, they discovered what is now being called a miracle.  Initially sited as a birth defect, Petra has a canal in her brain formed by a fluid pocket.  We have since learned that the fluid pockets are not as rare as it was first reported.  What is exceptional, is that the bullet entered at the exact point of Petra's fluid pocket.  The bullet then traveled along the canal formed by the fluid and left no damage to brain tissue.  Petra is talking, walking and has been released to undergo rehab for other injuries sustained in the attack.  It is as if Petra Anderson was designed to take this bullet to the brain.  Her brain was designed to receive that exact bullet in that exact location.  If she was built to take this bullet, it leaves me wondering,  what "bullet" were you built to live through?  What heartbreak, accident, trauma, hurt, (insert your painful experience here) were YOU built to live to tell about?  YOU have a purpose.  I have a purpose.   You were born to live through it, not with it.  You are not your experiences.  These experiences are a part of your story, they are not all of your story.  Acknowledge the miracles in your life, the ones that have kept you alive, the ones YOU were designed to live through.  Know that if you find yourself in a space in your mind that feels dark, you are not your darkness.  It is simply a reminder of the strength you have to move beyond it.

The Success of Stumbling

My youngest daughter started walking recently.  Watching her progress from standing to taking a step, to taking multiple steps and now walking with greater confidence has reminded me of the amazing ability we have to get back up and keep trying!  I cannot count the number of times I've watched her fall on her face or onto her diaper padded bottom, only to see her put her hands out in front of her and push herself up again to keep practicing her new skill. Growing pains are aptly named.  They are uncomfortable.  You may have noticed that your growth doesn't feel so great at times.  GOOD!  This is exactly what you are meant to be experiencing.  This means that growth is on your horizon.  Keep it up!  Keep moving, breathing, waking up and working through this space of change, as it is leading you to the next level of success!  Feeling scared of that next job opportunity?  Feeling uncertain about your next project?  Feeling uneasy about what will happen next, and how will it all work out?  These can be the questions that come up when we are ready to experience something transformative.  If this space is causing you anxiety, stress, and discomfort, allow yourself to listen to what you are experiencing.  Allow it to support you to what awaits you; new opportunity, new possibility, new growth, new habits, new skills.   May you recognize that those baby steps are a necessary part of the journey to reach the peak of the mountain.  AND, I wouldn't expect my daughter to climb a mountain or run a marathon with her newfound skill of walking.  This is a space to be gentle with yourself.  Practice baby steps.  Allow room for yourself to stumble.  Know that you always have the option to remain at the stage that you are currently experiencing, just as you have the choice to pick up and keep pushing to the next level of success.  The choice is yours.  Will you remain where you are or will you remember the skill you have to keep trying?

Mental Weight Lifting

Someone asked me today, "Star, how are you?"  As I answered with my usual, "Oh, things are good...." I found myself stuffing down how I was really feeling, which is an overall heaviness.  Later she asked, "You don't seem like yourself, last time I saw you, you had an amazing positive energy about you.  What is going on?"  I felt as if I had been caught stealing.  Red faced and heart racing, I could feel the tension inside of me.  And then I blurted out, "There has been a lot going on with my family.  My brother.... and my mother has been a hand full too..."  This conversation led to a lot of heavy issues, you know, the kind that might feel taboo to talk about.  I left that interaction feeling the weight of all of them.  I came home, sat with the question, "What was that?  What did you just open up?"  This is what came back at me, "Honey, you are feeling the weight and heaviness of those around you, because you haven't been dedicated to doing your own work, the work that keeps you centered, the work that keeps you grounded, the work that allows you to stay in that space of true understanding, knowing that these heavy issues are not yours to absorb.  These issues are ALWAYS there.  Some days they are a bit more intense than others, yet they are always there.  Today feels heavy, because you have allowed your strength to slip."  Yes, busted!  I have been giving my attention to the issues that feel heavy, leaving me feeling the weight of them.  It is in this moment that I declare that I will get back on that bandwagon of doing my work by journaling, exercising my mind, challenging myself in healthy ways, and when needed, stepping away from the drama that might come from the situations that are around me.  So, what does it look like to step away from the drama?  It means that I am doing the following:

1. Stop feeding it!
I will not chat about it.  This is sometimes extremely difficult, as these stories are JUICY!  I know that talking (gossiping) about them doesn't serve me, it doesn't serve the listener, and it doesn't serve the party playing the leading role.

2. Focusing on the present moment.  When I bring myself away from the drama of the past or what I fear to be the future, I am able to enjoy the ease of my breath, the gratitude for colors in nature, the weather, everything and anything surrounding me!

3. Taking myself off of the computer/social media, where gossip and stories are spread, where it is easy for me to continue validating the story, as I know it.

4. Go within, allowing myself time to journal, meditate, and pray, so that I can return to what I know to be true, that this drama is not mine and it serves no one to give attention to it.

5. Scheduled time with Friends.

6. Breath.
I focus on my breathing and on the awareness that my body is bringing me to. When I feel the tightness in my chest, the anxiety, the heaviness, I spot it, acknowledge it and give it permission to be released.

7. Exercise

8. LAUGH!
Laugher is a form of release.  It helps "relieve pain, brings greater happiness and can even increase immunity" The Stress Management and Health Benefits of Laughter.

9. PLAY
Nothing quite brings me out of my head and into the moment like giggling children! Don't have children around?  Force yourself to doodle, skip, or simply jump in place.


What do you do when you find yourself ruminating about an issue that is out of your control?  How do you bring yourself to a healthier place?

THANK YOU to my amazing friends, who continue to ask the difficult questions, who continue to support me to grow and who allow me to be in whatever space they may find me in.

10 Tips Toward a Positive Attitude

This quote came across my desk today, "Remember, it isn't your position in life; its your disposition that determines your happiness." I find myself often being challenged about my positive disposition. Some even think that I am in denial about the less than fortunate issues that come across my path. What I've learned along my journey is that having a positive disposition does not mean that every day is filled with blissful JOY. Some days are darker than others. Some days are lighter than others. No matter what is happening around me, I am at choice. Choosing to live in joy, doesn't mean denying the reality of hurt, fear, sadness, etc. It is instead, choosing to acknowledge the reality that even in the midst of a storm, there can still be opportunity to be received. When in the middle of a hurricane, the most beautiful calm emerges. What if in the middle of the next storm, you turned to the calm center within and allowed yourself to ask the question, "What is here for me in this moment to propel me to new growth?" Flowers emerge from manure. We all know that light follows darkness. We know that we cannot put darkness into a flame of light, but we CAN put our flame of light into darkness, thus transforming the dark space into one of light. Cognitively, we get it. Putting it into practice is another story. Here are 10 tips to increase your positive disposition:

1. Notice your body in the moment. Check in. Take inventory of what is going on. Is your heart racing? Are you experiencing tightness in your chest? Simply be aware of how your body is experiencing the moment.
2. Acknowledge your feelings. "This really stinks." Yes, there are times when whatever you are experiencing is truly unpleasant. No one will tell you that choosing a positive disposition means that you get to avoid all uncomfortable situations. So when they arise, acknowledge them for what they are, uncomfortable growing pains.
3. Take a moment to practice deep breathing. Slow down your breathing and allow your body to fill with the benefits of an increase of oxygen.
4. Laugh. If you can, and where appropriate, laugh. For no reason, simply make yourself laugh. Laughter is a way to release stress, anxiety while taking in good amounts of oxygen. Crying has a similar effect, so if crying seems more appropriate than laughter, by all means, do what works for you in the moment.
5. Ask yourself,"What am I trying to control about this situation?" I often find myself experiencing stress/anxiety when a situation isn't going my way. There are times when it might be something simple, like the pair of shoes my 2-year-old chooses to wear, or the traffic around me and there are times when I'd like to control the health of a loved one, the hospital care they receive, and even the death of a loved one. Notice what happens when we try to control something that is essentially out of our control. When I think the traffic "should" be something other than what it is, the result is, I experience more stress and most likely those in the car with me experience it too. Not only do I experience more stress, but I also focus my attention on the problem, hindering my ability to see other ways to be in the situation.
6. Notice your ability to choose. When I allow myself to be at choice about how I see the situation, I open up to new creative ways to be, rather than the habitual feeling of being stuck with the situation. The other night I was up late/early with a teething baby. I fought it for over an hour, allowing the resentment and anger grow inside of me. After experiencing the effects of this for an entire hour, I decided to embrace it, "What can I be choosing differently?" I wrapped her in a blanket and we stepped outside. We shared a few tearless moments as we looked at the moon and the stars. When I got my head out of the victim of "poor me, this really sucks", I was able to open up to the idea that there were other ways I could experience it. The result was a beautiful, refreshing and sweet moment shared under the full moon.
7. Enlist a friend's help. If all else fails, enlist the support of a friend or loved one. Ask them to support you to see other angles of the situation.
8. Make a list of what you LOVE about the situation. Allow yourself to go to a space of gratitude. Again, this does NOT mean that you have to like what is happening, but instead that you acknowledge that there IS something in it that you are gaining. After my dear cousin passed with Leukemia at the age of 5, none of us could have imagined the benefits of the situation. Her older sister, nearly 14 years later has gone on to study nursing, with the intention of being a pediatric nurse of oncology. One of the nurses who cared for my cousin during her stay at the hospital, went on to marry an uncle. Her situation brought inspiration, connection and an expansion of love.
9. Think of a time when something seemed bad, but turned out GREATER than you could have imagined Allow past experience to support you to be reminded that this too shall pass. There is a possibility that this situation could result in a greater outcome than what you are currently experiencing.
10. Add your own flare. My favorite thing to do is a mini tantrum. I have been known to allow my arms to flail, legs to kick and feel to stomp, all while scrunching my face into the tightest scowl I can muster. What flare will you add to your moment?

*Note this post is not recommended to "treat" any chronic mental health issues.

Like What you are reading? Share on your social media outlets, like Stellar Evolution on Facebook. Sign Up to be on our mailing list.