5 Tips to Move Through Feeling Heavy-Hearted

If you are anything like me, you've experienced a life challenge (death of a loved one, break up of a long term relationship, diagnosis of a life-altering illness) where, no matter the planning, no matter the attempts at holding a positive attitude, you still feel weighed down by the heaviness of the situation. You move between wanting to crawl into bed and pulling the covers up over your head to wanting to wake up with life returning to "normal", as if your situation didn't exist.  You want to remove yourself from it, making every attempt to distract yourself from feeling the full effect of the pain, hurt, anger, sadness, or other strong emotion that might be leaving you feeling stuck.  The reality is that no matter what you do to remove yourself from it, you still feel mired down by the details of the situation.

The Five Things you need MOST to move through this situation are:

1. Your feelings are there to SERVE YOU.  Let them.

Give yourself permission to feel every emotion that you are experiencing.  Avoiding what you are experiencing will only intensify it later.  Think of your feelings as indicators, such as the indicator on your gas tank, reminding you of when your gas tank needs to be filled up.  When this happens, you take the time to tend to what is needed.  You do not judge it or over-think it (too much), you just do what is needed and move on.  What if you were to do the same with your feelings?  They are here to serve as indicators, gently reminding you of the need to fill up with compassion for and acceptance of yourself, as well as the gift of being present to and for yourself.

2. Freedom to move about your day doing what feels right in the moment.
Take a nap if you need to, cry, exercise, clean, etc. Whatever you need in the moment, you give yourself permission to experience it. This might even mean taking a day off of work so that you can have the freedom to do what feels right for you in the moment.

3. Call-in support.
 It is important to have someone who can listen to you as you express what you are fully feeling.  This person not only listens, but they validate for you the challenge of the situation.  As much as you'd like to see it in a positive light, sometimes, the situation is HEAVY, sometimes it is OK to take a day and be with the weight of it,  and to allow the breakdown.

4. Permission to let go of the ideal image of what it "should" be like.
 In this situation it might be tempting to judge yourself that you should be somewhere other than where you are.  You "should" be experiencing different emotions than you are, you "should" be supporting others, conducting daily chores, etc.  There is NO perfect situation.  No perfect words to share, no perfect emotions to experience, no perfect tasks to move you through.  The perfection is in the imperfection of the moment.  It will feel messy, painful, and chaotic.  If it didn't, you would not be experiencing a true life challenge.

5. Avoid unhealthy ways of numbing the pain.
It can be tempting to turn to alcohol or other substances to numb the pain during this challenging time.  This is not only dangerous, it is counter-productive.  Altering your state with distractions and/or substances means you're pushing away the emotion, not eliminating it.   The only way to eliminate it is to feel it. Numbing your feelings with substances and/or other unhealthy distractions means the emotions will intensify until you cope with them in a real way.

Know that this moment will not last and before you know it, you will emerge with greater strength and a new appreciation of what you have gained from the experience.  Between now and then, hang on to the joy that surrounds you and resides within you, memories of days that are lighter.  

Feeling stuck by a fear of disappointing others?

I am a people-pleaser.  Do you know anyone like that?  Actually, to more accurately describe myself, I would say that I REALLY detest displeasing people.  I like to see others happy.  You might even say that I'm slightly addicted to pleasing.  For years that would mean that I would avoid saying, "No", or refrain from asking for what I want, as I wouldn't want someone to be overextended for my sake.  It would mean that I would avoid certain social situations, out of fear of disappointing others.  I remember one particular incident when 3 separate groups of friends were all going to be at the same venue and each of them invited me to join in the fun.  I was panic stricken, to the point that I didn't go.  I didn't realize what was going on at the time.  I knew that I was anxious and stressed.  It was an a-ha moment for me when I realized that the anxiety that I was experiencing was attached to my own fear of saying no and ultimately disappointing a friend, or several friends, as was the case in this situation.  Upon examination, I did this often.  In the past my addiction to pleasing others meant that I accepted a job that I knew wasn't right for me and then staying well beyond the date that I said I would, all to accommodate someone else. At least, that was what I was telling myself.  The reality was that I wasn't being of service to that job.  I was a horrible employee; complacent, unmotivated, depressed, moody, and addicted to seeing everything WRONG with my employer and her business.  It was unhealthy for all involved.  I was coming home in tears.  I was far removed from living from my purpose.  Part of me was dying inside at that job.  I literally had feces being thrown at me and a behavior plan in place asking a student to "Hit me harder" every time he hit me.  Although difficult, this dark place was also necessary for me to experience.  I wasn't going to move from this job as long as it was comfortable.  Deep down, I knew that there was more that I was meant to experience in life.  As I became more clear about what I wanted, it was easier to say no to the things that were not taking me there.  I said no to dates, job offers, and events that I felt were not supporting me to be living the life I wanted. I started saying YES to my big dreams.  The more that I said yes to my bigger vision, the more opportunities I found to support me to get there.  The two went hand in hand.  

Below is a checklist to see if your fear of disappointing others is holding you back:

1. Do you silently feel resentful and/or angry at the other person or the situation?  You tend to keep quiet about it.  You do not want to hurt anyone's feelings, but deep down, you are angry about feeling trapped by the situation.

2. Are you finding yourself avoiding the situation as much as possible?  You have a fear of what will come up if you start interacting.  You fear letting your own discomfort show.  You feel exhausted by trying to control it all and keep it from showing. 

3. Do you find yourself checking out at any/every opportunity?  When you are honest with yourself, you are not giving them the attention that they are asking for.  You are becoming complacent and sometimes that even results in mistakes being made. 

4. Do you find yourself daydreaming about being somewhere other than where you are?  You are on the phone, planning a night out with friends, checking facebook, texting, ANYTHING to avoid the present moment, reminding you of where you are.

5. Are you feeding yourself in other ways?  When you are not honoring yourself, you tend to seek nourishment from other sources; food, relationships, social media, etc.  Are you finding yourself stuck in a pattern that feels less than healthy?  This could be an indicator that you are compromising your own needs as a result of your fear of disappointing others.

6. Do you find yourself saying "Yes" when you want to be saying "no"?  Do you overextend yourself, saying yes to things that you do not have the time for? Does this leave you feeling resentful? 

As you release the fear of disappointing others, a miraculous thing happens, you stop holding back as you feel more freedom to be you.  In the process, you enrich the lives of those around you in a meaningful and authentic way.  

If you'd like to feel a sense of your freedom and have a meaningful impact on the lives of those around you, contact Star Staubach of Stellar Evolution Coaching.  Star supports clients to ignite their inner radiance and wake up to a life they love living! Schedule a free consultation today!