If you are anything like me, you've experienced a life challenge (death of a loved one, break up of a long term relationship, diagnosis of a life-altering illness) where, no matter the planning, no matter the attempts at holding a positive attitude, you still feel weighed down by the heaviness of the situation. You move between wanting to crawl into bed and pulling the covers up over your head to wanting to wake up with life returning to "normal", as if your situation didn't exist. You want to remove yourself from it, making every attempt to distract yourself from feeling the full effect of the pain, hurt, anger, sadness, or other strong emotion that might be leaving you feeling stuck. The reality is that no matter what you do to remove yourself from it, you still feel mired down by the details of the situation.
The Five Things you need MOST to move through this situation are:
1. Your feelings are there to SERVE YOU. Let them.
Give yourself permission to feel every emotion that you are experiencing. Avoiding what you are experiencing will only intensify it later. Think of your feelings as indicators, such as the indicator on your gas tank, reminding you of when your gas tank needs to be filled up. When this happens, you take the time to tend to what is needed. You do not judge it or over-think it (too much), you just do what is needed and move on. What if you were to do the same with your feelings? They are here to serve as indicators, gently reminding you of the need to fill up with compassion for and acceptance of yourself, as well as the gift of being present to and for yourself.
2. Freedom to move about your day doing what feels right in the moment.
Take a nap if you need to, cry, exercise, clean, etc. Whatever you need in the moment, you give yourself permission to experience it. This might even mean taking a day off of work so that you can have the freedom to do what feels right for you in the moment.
Take a nap if you need to, cry, exercise, clean, etc. Whatever you need in the moment, you give yourself permission to experience it. This might even mean taking a day off of work so that you can have the freedom to do what feels right for you in the moment.
3. Call-in support.
It is important to have someone who can listen to you as you express what you are fully feeling. This person not only listens, but they validate for you the challenge of the situation. As much as you'd like to see it in a positive light, sometimes, the situation is HEAVY, sometimes it is OK to take a day and be with the weight of it, and to allow the breakdown.
It is important to have someone who can listen to you as you express what you are fully feeling. This person not only listens, but they validate for you the challenge of the situation. As much as you'd like to see it in a positive light, sometimes, the situation is HEAVY, sometimes it is OK to take a day and be with the weight of it, and to allow the breakdown.
4. Permission to let go of the ideal image of what it "should" be like.
In this situation it might be tempting to judge yourself that you should be somewhere other than where you are. You "should" be experiencing different emotions than you are, you "should" be supporting others, conducting daily chores, etc. There is NO perfect situation. No perfect words to share, no perfect emotions to experience, no perfect tasks to move you through. The perfection is in the imperfection of the moment. It will feel messy, painful, and chaotic. If it didn't, you would not be experiencing a true life challenge.
In this situation it might be tempting to judge yourself that you should be somewhere other than where you are. You "should" be experiencing different emotions than you are, you "should" be supporting others, conducting daily chores, etc. There is NO perfect situation. No perfect words to share, no perfect emotions to experience, no perfect tasks to move you through. The perfection is in the imperfection of the moment. It will feel messy, painful, and chaotic. If it didn't, you would not be experiencing a true life challenge.
5. Avoid unhealthy ways of numbing the pain.
It can be tempting to turn to alcohol or other substances to numb the pain during this challenging time. This is not only dangerous, it is counter-productive. Altering your state with distractions and/or substances means you're pushing away the emotion, not eliminating it. The only way to eliminate it is to feel it. Numbing your feelings with substances and/or other unhealthy distractions means the emotions will intensify until you cope with them in a real way.
It can be tempting to turn to alcohol or other substances to numb the pain during this challenging time. This is not only dangerous, it is counter-productive. Altering your state with distractions and/or substances means you're pushing away the emotion, not eliminating it. The only way to eliminate it is to feel it. Numbing your feelings with substances and/or other unhealthy distractions means the emotions will intensify until you cope with them in a real way.
Know that this moment will not last and before you know it, you will emerge with greater strength and a new appreciation of what you have gained from the experience. Between now and then, hang on to the joy that surrounds you and resides within you, memories of days that are lighter.
