I am a people-pleaser. Do you know anyone like that? Actually, to more accurately describe myself, I would say that I REALLY detest displeasing people. I like to see others happy. You might even say that I'm slightly addicted to pleasing. For years that would mean that I would avoid saying, "No", or refrain from asking for what I want, as I wouldn't want someone to be overextended for my sake. It would mean that I would avoid certain social situations, out of fear of disappointing others. I remember one particular incident when 3 separate groups of friends were all going to be at the same venue and each of them invited me to join in the fun. I was panic stricken, to the point that I didn't go. I didn't realize what was going on at the time. I knew that I was anxious and stressed. It was an a-ha moment for me when I realized that the anxiety that I was experiencing was attached to my own fear of saying no and ultimately disappointing a friend, or several friends, as was the case in this situation. Upon examination, I did this often. In the past my addiction to pleasing others meant that I accepted a job that I knew wasn't right for me and then staying well beyond the date that I said I would, all to accommodate someone else. At least, that was what I was telling myself. The reality was that I wasn't being of service to that job. I was a horrible employee; complacent, unmotivated, depressed, moody, and addicted to seeing everything WRONG with my employer and her business. It was unhealthy for all involved. I was coming home in tears. I was far removed from living from my purpose. Part of me was dying inside at that job. I literally had feces being thrown at me and a behavior plan in place asking a student to "Hit me harder" every time he hit me. Although difficult, this dark place was also necessary for me to experience. I wasn't going to move from this job as long as it was comfortable. Deep down, I knew that there was more that I was meant to experience in life. As I became more clear about what I wanted, it was easier to say no to the things that were not taking me there. I said no to dates, job offers, and events that I felt were not supporting me to be living the life I wanted. I started saying YES to my big dreams. The more that I said yes to my bigger vision, the more opportunities I found to support me to get there. The two went hand in hand.
Below is a checklist to see if your fear of disappointing others is holding you back:
1. Do you silently feel resentful and/or angry at the other person or the situation? You tend to keep quiet about it. You do not want to hurt anyone's feelings, but deep down, you are angry about feeling trapped by the situation.
2. Are you finding yourself avoiding the situation as much as possible? You have a fear of what will come up if you start interacting. You fear letting your own discomfort show. You feel exhausted by trying to control it all and keep it from showing.
3. Do you find yourself checking out at any/every opportunity? When you are honest with yourself, you are not giving them the attention that they are asking for. You are becoming complacent and sometimes that even results in mistakes being made.
4. Do you find yourself daydreaming about being somewhere other than where you are? You are on the phone, planning a night out with friends, checking facebook, texting, ANYTHING to avoid the present moment, reminding you of where you are.
5. Are you feeding yourself in other ways? When you are not honoring yourself, you tend to seek nourishment from other sources; food, relationships, social media, etc. Are you finding yourself stuck in a pattern that feels less than healthy? This could be an indicator that you are compromising your own needs as a result of your fear of disappointing others.
6. Do you find yourself saying "Yes" when you want to be saying "no"? Do you overextend yourself, saying yes to things that you do not have the time for? Does this leave you feeling resentful?
6. Do you find yourself saying "Yes" when you want to be saying "no"? Do you overextend yourself, saying yes to things that you do not have the time for? Does this leave you feeling resentful?
As you release the fear of disappointing others, a miraculous thing happens, you stop holding back as you feel more freedom to be you. In the process, you enrich the lives of those around you in a meaningful and authentic way.
If you'd like to feel a sense of your freedom and have a meaningful impact on the lives of those around you, contact Star Staubach of Stellar Evolution Coaching. Star supports clients to ignite their inner radiance and wake up to a life they love living! Schedule a free consultation today!
