Feeling stuck by a fear of disappointing others?

I am a people-pleaser.  Do you know anyone like that?  Actually, to more accurately describe myself, I would say that I REALLY detest displeasing people.  I like to see others happy.  You might even say that I'm slightly addicted to pleasing.  For years that would mean that I would avoid saying, "No", or refrain from asking for what I want, as I wouldn't want someone to be overextended for my sake.  It would mean that I would avoid certain social situations, out of fear of disappointing others.  I remember one particular incident when 3 separate groups of friends were all going to be at the same venue and each of them invited me to join in the fun.  I was panic stricken, to the point that I didn't go.  I didn't realize what was going on at the time.  I knew that I was anxious and stressed.  It was an a-ha moment for me when I realized that the anxiety that I was experiencing was attached to my own fear of saying no and ultimately disappointing a friend, or several friends, as was the case in this situation.  Upon examination, I did this often.  In the past my addiction to pleasing others meant that I accepted a job that I knew wasn't right for me and then staying well beyond the date that I said I would, all to accommodate someone else. At least, that was what I was telling myself.  The reality was that I wasn't being of service to that job.  I was a horrible employee; complacent, unmotivated, depressed, moody, and addicted to seeing everything WRONG with my employer and her business.  It was unhealthy for all involved.  I was coming home in tears.  I was far removed from living from my purpose.  Part of me was dying inside at that job.  I literally had feces being thrown at me and a behavior plan in place asking a student to "Hit me harder" every time he hit me.  Although difficult, this dark place was also necessary for me to experience.  I wasn't going to move from this job as long as it was comfortable.  Deep down, I knew that there was more that I was meant to experience in life.  As I became more clear about what I wanted, it was easier to say no to the things that were not taking me there.  I said no to dates, job offers, and events that I felt were not supporting me to be living the life I wanted. I started saying YES to my big dreams.  The more that I said yes to my bigger vision, the more opportunities I found to support me to get there.  The two went hand in hand.  

Below is a checklist to see if your fear of disappointing others is holding you back:

1. Do you silently feel resentful and/or angry at the other person or the situation?  You tend to keep quiet about it.  You do not want to hurt anyone's feelings, but deep down, you are angry about feeling trapped by the situation.

2. Are you finding yourself avoiding the situation as much as possible?  You have a fear of what will come up if you start interacting.  You fear letting your own discomfort show.  You feel exhausted by trying to control it all and keep it from showing. 

3. Do you find yourself checking out at any/every opportunity?  When you are honest with yourself, you are not giving them the attention that they are asking for.  You are becoming complacent and sometimes that even results in mistakes being made. 

4. Do you find yourself daydreaming about being somewhere other than where you are?  You are on the phone, planning a night out with friends, checking facebook, texting, ANYTHING to avoid the present moment, reminding you of where you are.

5. Are you feeding yourself in other ways?  When you are not honoring yourself, you tend to seek nourishment from other sources; food, relationships, social media, etc.  Are you finding yourself stuck in a pattern that feels less than healthy?  This could be an indicator that you are compromising your own needs as a result of your fear of disappointing others.

6. Do you find yourself saying "Yes" when you want to be saying "no"?  Do you overextend yourself, saying yes to things that you do not have the time for? Does this leave you feeling resentful? 

As you release the fear of disappointing others, a miraculous thing happens, you stop holding back as you feel more freedom to be you.  In the process, you enrich the lives of those around you in a meaningful and authentic way.  

If you'd like to feel a sense of your freedom and have a meaningful impact on the lives of those around you, contact Star Staubach of Stellar Evolution Coaching.  Star supports clients to ignite their inner radiance and wake up to a life they love living! Schedule a free consultation today! 

Happy Mother's Day

In a recent post, I confessed that for Mother's Day all I wanted was some time to myself.  I certainly got what I asked for, and then some!  Watch the video below to hear about my experience of being away on Mother's Day.

Raise Your Radiance

I recently attended a conference put on Fabienne and Derrik Fredrickson.  The energy in the room was amazing!  They inspired me to step more fully into my own voice and I realized that as I connect more fully to my own aliveness, I notice the powerful impact it is having in my life and those around me!  I am passionate about supporting others to come alive with radiance! Why care about your radiance?  As you ignite your inner flame, you spread a spark for others to do the same.  That flame spreads like wildfire!  Can you think of a time when you've noticed this happening?  Have you ever been in the company of a great speaker, one who lights up the audience?  You have that same ability to pass your light onto those around you.  Your energy is contagious.  When you raise your inner and outer radiance, you shine brighter for the world to see.  Shining brighter means you serve the world in a bigger way. It is not a luxury to give attention to my radiance, it is an obligation.  It is how we elevate the level of JOY on the planet! View my recent video about raising your radiance!

Confessions of Motherhood

I have a confession to make.  Last year, all I wanted for Mother's Day was a BREAK from being "Mom".
I realize that there will be a time when I read that statement and realize that I was missing the joy of parenting and I would agree.  At that time, I was TOTALLY missing the joy of mothering!  In fact, I was looking to escape parenting at any (nearly every) opportunity I could.  This year, I am looking forward to Mother's Day and special time with my family.  What makes this year different? There are several factors involved, the greatest one being that I have reconnected with the passion within me that exists beyond mothering.  Parenting is WONDERFUL.  It is rewarding.  It can be fun.  It is invigorating at times.  AND, I have passions, desires, longings that go beyond what mothering can provide.  I've noticed that the more I take time out for myself, to fuel my soul with my passions, the more I connect with the joys of being a mom.  Somewhere along the way of becoming a parent I adopted the belief that I had to GIVE UP to be the kind of parent I want to be.  That didn't work very well.  In fact, it created resentment and anger.  I now realize that I do not have to give up, but instead redefine and discover what it means to integrate all aspects of who I am into my life.  I am a successfully growing entrepreneur. I am a loving, patient and present mother.  I'm learning to get out of the way of my self-imposed limiting beliefs move toward the bigger picture of having it all!  I hold that same belief for you!  What self-imposed limitation are you ready to release so that you can more fully embrace the ease and joy of what awaits you? 

Flowing Toward Ease

As I was on my way to pick up my daughter from school yesterday, construction required that I change lanes.  As the arrow is blinking at me to get over, I activated my turning signal, indicating that I'd like to be let into the traffic in the next lane.  Although there was enough space for the car behind me to let me in, the driver didn't notice me and continued on.  In an instant I felt frustrated and dismissed.  I may have even spoken a few expletives in my head.  If I am ONLY paying attention to what I am doing, to what MY car is doing, I run the risk of being injured in a car accident.  If I drop all of my attention from myself and place it only on those around me, I still run the risk a crash.

How does this focus play a role in my life?  When I leave myself out of the equation of where my energy goes, I notice a personal downward spiral.  You may as well throw playfulness out the window.  Present and patient?  No way!  I am quick to snap, judge and be angry.  When I lose sight of personal awareness, I feel reckless, just as I would in a car.  However, the opposite extreme of ONLY focusing on myself does not feel good either.  It feels out of alignment.  Do know the feeling when you're car is out of alignment?  I know that feeling all too well.  Recently after hitting a drain, I knocked my car out of alignment.  It felt scary, reckless and out of control.  It made me cry out for help, insisting that I look to others for support, guidance and repair.  You see, I do not have to be an island.  I do not have to do it all on my own.  Somewhere in my life I adopted the idea that I had to be in charge, or else things wouldn't get done.  As I diffuse that story, I notice the ease that comes with delegating, releasing control and allowing the flow of trusting.  Just as the safest place to be in traffic is aware and flowing with what is happening, I allow that same flow in my day.  I trust myself in knowing what to do next, when to call for help and when to let go.  I let go, not because I have to, but instead because I do not wish for the craziness of thinking that I have to do it all.

What can you let go of today?  How can you shift your focus to bring you greater balance, ease, joy and flow?

Divorcing Fear

Tools to separate yourself from fear: 

1. Become clear about the intentions of the action.  What you are motivated by?  If you are motivated by anything other than your truest values, you will feel it and others will too!

2. Over analysis causes paralysis.  Having a completed product is better than having no product at all.  Become aware if perfection paralysis is stopping you.


3. Take one small step toward your goal.  Even if it means that you simply put your running shoes on and wear them for the day.  As you do, you're creating a new neural pathway to the brain.  After you've mastered this new habit of wearing running shoes, you'll take the next step of actually running.  This step building actually creates new pathways, sending messages to the brain.   Before you know it you'll go from, "I wear running shoes." to "I am a runner." 


4. Notice other times when you've been able to complete a similar task.  Allow yourself to be motivated by the relief and excitement of completion.


5. Make a list of what you are saying NO to and what you are saying YES to.  For me, saying YES to this newsletter means saying NO to being stuck with fear. Saying YES  to sending it out means YES to new opportunities of growth for my highly motivated clients!  YES to living my purpose, YES to living my dream, YES to seeing others live enriched lives! 

Is your GPS lying to you?

Recently, while on a run, I noticed that the GPS on my running application was not working.  How do I know it wasn't working?  My running app talks to me, giving me stats on my run, "Time: 5 minutes.  Distance 0.5 miles.  Average pace: 10 min/mile."  On this particular day, my app said, "Time: 60 minutes.  Distance 0.0 miles.  Average pace: 0.0 min/mile."  I heard that and got a little grumpy, as if i could argue or blame the voice that was telling me a lie.  The truth is, I KNEW I had run farther than 0.0 miles.  I had been running for 60 minutes.  Clearly, my running application was not giving me accurate information.   

This experience made me start wondering, where else do I tune into inaccurate information, but expect it to guide me?  Do I do this with friends?  Family?  My mother?  Oh, goodness, my mother!  How often do I turn to outside sources, asking for feedback, guidance, support, and some sort of validation for how far I've come?  The truth is, NO ONE knows how far I've traveled better than I do.  Here are a few tips on how to tune into your own wisdom and stop the madness of listening to trusted devices that may be giving you inaccurate information:

1. If the information you are receiving leaves you feeling negative emotion ask yourself, is there truth in what I am hearing, or is this an inaccurate reading coming from what I have been expecting to be a trusted device? 

2. Remove the temptation to take words personally, even if they feel rather pointed.  This allows you to be open and receptive, without becoming defensive.  When you're open and receptive, you can better hear the constructive criticism, without becoming emotionally charged by it and therefore dismissing the gifts that may reside in the support being shared. 

3. SAY, THANK YOU!  "Thank you for your feedback, I'll sit with it and use this information if I see it fitting." 

3. Flip it!  If the words leave you feeling heavy or negative emotion, ask yourself, "What is it that I am to take from this situation?  Is there a chance that what is being shared has truth to it?  What can I do to get closer to the image that I have for myself?" 

4. Let it slide.  As I ran that morning, my initial knee jerk reaction was to get upset and blame my gps for being wrong.  Once I realized that it wasn't an attack on me or my running ability, but instead a simple error, I was able to let it slide and move on, without another thought to the discomfort of anger and blame.  

Make a list of  "Trusted Devices" that you listen to.  Make a list of ways you're supporting yourself to listen to your own internal GPS.  Notice which trusted divides work best for you.