5 Steps to Make Decisions From the Heart

How often do you feel yourself being caught up in your head by the swirling thought of making the RIGHT decision?  Recently, I have had a LOT of mind chatter, the kind that won't stop.  The voice that dominates is not a friendly one, it is a strong judging voice, suggesting that there is only ONE answer, and that I must find that one RIGHT solution and act on it.  The flaw in this kind of thinking is that it creates stress and panic, and shuts down creativity.  Thinking that there is only one solution leaves you hyper-focused in search of that ONE answer.  Instead of helping you, this approach leaves you FARTHER from the solution.  Why is it important to get out of your head and into your heart? Studies indicate that the heart may know MORE than our head.  Those same studies indicate that when shown emotionally stimulating objects, the heart is responding BEFORE the brain.  Why is this so important to understand?  If the heart is responding before the brain, it is an indicator that the heart is feeding the brain the messages, not the other way around, as we once thought.  When you stop to think about it, you know this same sensation in yourself. Your heart/gut responds in intuitive ways to situations that evoke emotions in you. Often, we dismiss this intuitive reaction and instead listen to the "common sense" in our head (left brain). Here are steps you can take to move from the swirling chatter in the head to the creative solution that resides in your heart:

1. Give yourself a break from NEEDING to find the solution RIGHT NOW! Unless you are in an emergency situation (e.g., a tiger is chasing you), you can afford to step away from the situation and the "need" to find the answer RIGHT now. Changing your focus allows you the opportunity to entertain creative solutions that you were unable to think of in panic mode.   You've seen this phenomenon active when you're searching for your lost keys, and only after you let go of searching do you look down and see them sitting in front of you, or have a thought of a place you haven't checked, and voilà, there they are!

2. Stop. Breath. Meditate. Pray. Read.  Allowing yourself to stop and release the situation to a higher power, consciousness, or source outside of yourself, creates a space for you to welcome solutions that come from outside of you.  When you recognize that you do not have to be THE ONE who comes up with ALL of the answers, you are able to receive and hear solutions that were not otherwise there.

3. Run. Exercise. Move your body! Movement will not only activate and open OLD neural pathways, it has the ability to GROW NEW ONES!  You read that right, increasing your heart rate and oxygenated blood to your brain supports you to create new neural pathways.  How does this support you?  As you stimulate your brain, you open yourself up to creative solutions and to answers that may be inside of you but are trapped and inhibited by old habits and ways of being. Oxygen circulating through your body increases your capacity to retain and retrieve information.  It also supports you to unleash creative solutions that have previously been locked.

4. Brain Dump - List at least 25 ways to solve the problem.  At the moment you may only have 3-5 ways to answer the issue.  Push yourself to think creatively, even if it is a solution that you'd NEVER use. For example, you could host a mud wrestling contest in your backyard to raise extra funds.  This list will surprise you.  Once you move beyond the solutions that come to mind quickly, you allow yourself to welcome solutions that come from beyond the mind and instead from the heart. The solutions in your mind are ones that often come easily.  The ones from the heart take more practice and this exercise will support you to move from your head to your heart.

5. Create your BLISS List, the things in your life that leave you feeling BLISSFUL and appreciative.  Studies indicate that gratitude is synonymous with feeling JOY.  When you're feeling mired down by the idea that you need to find a solution to a challenging problem, it makes sense that you would feel disconnected from your joy.  Spending time with your BLISS LIST will alter your state of joy.  Focusing on your joy will activate your heart space and unleash creative solutions.

Listening and making decisions from your heart takes practice.  Like any new habit that you adopt, be gentle with yourself.  Notice the gentle nudges, intuitive instincts, and gut reactions.  Give yourself permission to act on them and as you do, you build your intuitive muscle.  The stronger it gets and the more you use it, the more trust you'll develop for it.  Trusting your heart-guided instincts will support you to live with greater ease.

If you'd like other activities that will connect you with your intuition, contact Star Staubach of Stellar Evolution Coaching.  Star supports clients to ignite their inner radiance and wake up to a life they love living!  Visit Stellar Evolution Coaching to sign up to receive your free mp3 download of 10 tips to raise your Inner and Outer Radiance!

5 Tips to Move Through Feeling Heavy-Hearted

If you are anything like me, you've experienced a life challenge (death of a loved one, break up of a long term relationship, diagnosis of a life-altering illness) where, no matter the planning, no matter the attempts at holding a positive attitude, you still feel weighed down by the heaviness of the situation. You move between wanting to crawl into bed and pulling the covers up over your head to wanting to wake up with life returning to "normal", as if your situation didn't exist.  You want to remove yourself from it, making every attempt to distract yourself from feeling the full effect of the pain, hurt, anger, sadness, or other strong emotion that might be leaving you feeling stuck.  The reality is that no matter what you do to remove yourself from it, you still feel mired down by the details of the situation.

The Five Things you need MOST to move through this situation are:

1. Your feelings are there to SERVE YOU.  Let them.

Give yourself permission to feel every emotion that you are experiencing.  Avoiding what you are experiencing will only intensify it later.  Think of your feelings as indicators, such as the indicator on your gas tank, reminding you of when your gas tank needs to be filled up.  When this happens, you take the time to tend to what is needed.  You do not judge it or over-think it (too much), you just do what is needed and move on.  What if you were to do the same with your feelings?  They are here to serve as indicators, gently reminding you of the need to fill up with compassion for and acceptance of yourself, as well as the gift of being present to and for yourself.

2. Freedom to move about your day doing what feels right in the moment.
Take a nap if you need to, cry, exercise, clean, etc. Whatever you need in the moment, you give yourself permission to experience it. This might even mean taking a day off of work so that you can have the freedom to do what feels right for you in the moment.

3. Call-in support.
 It is important to have someone who can listen to you as you express what you are fully feeling.  This person not only listens, but they validate for you the challenge of the situation.  As much as you'd like to see it in a positive light, sometimes, the situation is HEAVY, sometimes it is OK to take a day and be with the weight of it,  and to allow the breakdown.

4. Permission to let go of the ideal image of what it "should" be like.
 In this situation it might be tempting to judge yourself that you should be somewhere other than where you are.  You "should" be experiencing different emotions than you are, you "should" be supporting others, conducting daily chores, etc.  There is NO perfect situation.  No perfect words to share, no perfect emotions to experience, no perfect tasks to move you through.  The perfection is in the imperfection of the moment.  It will feel messy, painful, and chaotic.  If it didn't, you would not be experiencing a true life challenge.

5. Avoid unhealthy ways of numbing the pain.
It can be tempting to turn to alcohol or other substances to numb the pain during this challenging time.  This is not only dangerous, it is counter-productive.  Altering your state with distractions and/or substances means you're pushing away the emotion, not eliminating it.   The only way to eliminate it is to feel it. Numbing your feelings with substances and/or other unhealthy distractions means the emotions will intensify until you cope with them in a real way.

Know that this moment will not last and before you know it, you will emerge with greater strength and a new appreciation of what you have gained from the experience.  Between now and then, hang on to the joy that surrounds you and resides within you, memories of days that are lighter.  

The #1 Answer to Every Question!

Have you ever started something or gone in a particular direction, without a clear image of what the journey or final destination would look like? When we are on a trip, we tend to allow space for new discovery.  Something changes within us when asked to allow for that same sense of curiosity and appreciating the changing scenery when it comes to our every day life. 

It was one year ago that I started Watch Me Grow Radio, without a clear vision of what it would turn into.  It was birthed out of a space of crisis.  I was feeling emotionally unsettled and found myself blaming my husband, children, life circumstances, family, and other external relationships.  When given the opportunity for reflection, I realized that the pain I was experiencing was from NOT taking my own advice.  I support clients to create powerful and lasting transformation in their lives, yet I wasn't creating that for myself.  I was going through the motions, expecting life to change FOR me.  I wanted the pieces of my life puzzle to miraculously fall into place. It wasn't happening.  Life was becoming more and more painful.  I was waking up angry, resentful, and riddled with blame and shame.  I thought that I "should" know how to shift from this place.  While all of this was happening, I had several professionals who came across my path who were not walking their talk - - the morbidly obese dietician who could not comfortably sit in his chair and the relationship coach who had been divorced 8 years and is currently living as a single mother.  It didn't add up.  And then, the thought occurred to me, "My pain is from not listening to my own wisdom, just as those professionals are experiencing the pain of not listening to theirs."

It was through this breakdown that I decided that I wanted to tap into the brilliance of working with a coach. I decided to interview my greatest mentors and allow them to coach me LIVE on air.  It was through my breakdown moment that Watch Me Grow Radio was born.  Had you told me then that within the year the show would have 130,000 listens and international guests who are experts in their fields, I would have scoffed at you and thought you were CRAZY! And here we are today, with that as a reality recognizing the truth, something AMAZING is waiting for you! What it requires is for you to STOP thinking so hard about the answer and instead allow it to come easily, naturally, and without great force or effort.  When it all started, it DID come with ease.  It began with the intention of allowing my own growth, recognizing that I was not living as fully as I wanted to be.  In that space of discomfort, I opened up to receiving answers from outside of myself.  I allowed myself to surrender to the idea that I had to know ALL, or ANY of the answers to my burning pain.  As a result, I have grown tremendously over the past year.  I feel more fully ALIVE!  I feel more connected in my relationships with my family, myself, my clients/business, my community, and with my body.  This week on air, I will share the BEST of Watch Me Grow Radio.  I share tips I received from amazing guests such as Dr. Christine Carter who studies happiness at UC Berkley's Greater Good Institute and Dr. Bruce Lipton, who was my guest last week.  I share true stories of my own transformation!

What is the #1 answer to ALL of your questions?  The answer is -- listen to your OWN advice.  It is that simple. Not sure what your advice would be?  Ask yourself this: What support would I give my best friend if she were coming to me with this same question?  Sit with it.  Notice what comes up. Sometimes it requires the presence and wisdom of others to be with you and other times it simply requires that you tune in and hear the message that you've been avoiding from yourself. 

The Joy of Letting Go

The Joy of Letting Go

Have you ever begun something with really high motivation, only to hit a road block that left you wondering if you’d ever see the result you set out for?  What do you do in that situation?  How do you navigate beyond that road block?  I found myself in that space recently, and it was deflating and left me feeling paralyzed. I didn’t know what to do and the image of achieving my goal was rapidly slipping from my thoughts.  Instead, my mind was riddled with more obstacles, fears, and doubts.  My head was filled with next steps of implementation for my business, while everywhere else, I was getting signs that my children needed me to stop attending to work and start attending to them.  My sitter quit: “This is my last day. So sorry. I can’t do this.”  It was in this space that I did the thing that felt most uncomfortable to me -- I let go.  I let go of forcing the answer.  I let go of needing it to look my way.  I let go of thinking I was in charge.  Reality was quickly showing me that I had little control of the situation.  It was a ROUGH space to be in.  It felt heavy and paralyzing, and I couldn’t see a way out. The moment I gave myself permission to let go, everything changed.  The following day was filled with a sense of ease, joy, appreciation, and much laughter.  I felt the weight lift.  Admittedly, my mind still wanted to drift to the “problems” of my situation.  I consciously decided to stay clear of thinking about it and instead chose to  focus on being present, in the moment with my children.  Passion and Relationship Coach, Joshua Barfelz of Unearth the Passion discusses this within relationships, encouraging each of us to go to the discomfort. The amygdala (fight or flight portion of our brain) is triggered when we feel discomfort and fear.  In that space we either fight with the situation (or person) we are faced with, or we flee.  Barfelz suggests that when it comes to relationships, since we are relatively safe, but feeling emotionally challenged, it is actually best when we stay with it, and do whatever feels MOST uncomfortable; connect, go to the other person, invite yourself to be more present to the situation, resist the urge to run from the problem.  Spending time with my children was not uncomfortable for me. Instead, the idea that spending time with them would be the solution felt distant.  It felt like I was being irresponsible to my business. In fact, it was the MOST responsible thing I could have done.  While attending to my children, I held the belief and trust that somehow I would find the time to implement my most important next steps for my business.  I surrendered the idea of needing the answers and instead welcomed the opportunity for solutions to flow my way. As you may have guessed, everything worked out fine.  You most likely didn’t notice that I didn’t have a newsletter to you, phone calls and other business-related obligations were tended to on an as-needed basis, which were extremely limited. Most importantly, my girls got to spend quality time with me, and I with them.  I got to see their sweet faces lit up, giggling, and free of worry.  I immediately found another sitter who is delighted at the opportunity to be with my girls AND I attracted a sponsor for my radio show -- a MAJOR WIN in my business and something I have been seeking for months.  I share this with you because I believe this same experience can be yours.  What are you feeling yourself gripping onto?  What are you wanting to flee?  Gift yourself (and others) by going to what feels most uncomfortable.  Extend a gesture to the person you’re feeling distanced from.  Remove yourself from a situation that you feel stuck in.  Notice the way you typically respond and today choose to be with the situation differently by doing what feels uncomfortable.  I believe in you.  Share your comments and feedback below.  Like what you’re reading? Pass it along it along to a friend, maybe this message being passed is your way of extending the olive branch needed. 

Beat Your Own Drum

What thoughts do you have when you hear a statement about beating your own drum? At a workshop recently, a young man said that he feels most alive when he drums.  He was asked to do it on the spot.  When he did, the audience erupted in dance and excitement.  His drumming not only made him come alive, it supported others to do the same.  OK, so he quite literally was drumming, but it got me to thinking that this is a great metaphor for life.  It made me wonder, what is my gift?  What do I have that when expressed brings more joy to the world? I ask the same question of you.  What supports you to beat your own drum of excellence?  If you are anything like me, you might have mind chatter that tells you that beating your own drum is egotistical and selfish.  Maybe you tell yourself that somehow doing so would make you stand out, leaving others to feel insignificant.  The truth that I witnessed as this young man beat on his makeshift drum was quite the opposite of insignificance. Instead, the audience felt more alive! He felt witnessed, validated, and celebrated!  Everyone was lifted by the experience of him beating away, at his own rhythm. Had he played softly, none of them would have had the same experience.  Not all of us have an actual drum that we play on, but we do have a unique gift and when expressed, that gift ignites a spark in the world.   When stifled, tucked away, dismissed and sometimes even shamed, we deprive ourselves and others the opportunity of experiencing the great joy that results from full self expression.  Do yourself a favor and stop the pain of dismissing your gifts. For years, I allowed myself to be contained for fear of what others would think or how they would feel about it.  I could feel the restriction of it and the pain of putting myself into a box that didn’t fit me.  I tried to fit in, blend in and play it safe. 

Give yourself permission to beat your own drum.  Full expression improves the lives of those around you.  Beware, there are some however, who are used to you being contained and it feels uncomfortable and even unpredictable for them if you no longer fit that mold.  It will feel challenging for you to keep your beat.  Over time you'll naturally gravitate to those who celebrate and encourage you while giving you permission to fully be you.  

1. Surround yourself with at least 2-4 people who are able to see you and celebrate, encourage and believe in you. 
2. Notice the way you feel and the way others feel when you are expressing your gifts. Can you think of a time when you felt really joyful after expressing talents?  Maybe it was after a meal you prepared or after delivering a report to a group of peers.  Take notice of how this moment not only blessed you and made you feel whole, but it also blessed those who were present to witness it. 
3. Ask for feedback when it feels appropriate. 
4. Create a “GO FOR IT” pile.  When others are witness to your gifts, they share compliments and encouraging words.  Collect these words of affirmation and return to them when you feel distanced from or in question of your own talent.  This list will support you to keep going through the moments when you feel like the lonely drummer.  

Remember, although you may beat the rhythm of your own drum, others can pick up and will jive with you when you start.  They’re waiting for you to start, so that they can jump in with you!, sharing in a dance of joy and aliveness!  

Here’s to you beating your drum, attracting and connecting with others who resonate with your rhythm and vibe.  I see you shining!  

If you would like to more fully express your talents, feel free to contact Star Staubach for your complimentary consultation.  

Play A Bigger Game

Last week I had a conversation with a friend about playing big. She shared with me that she sometimes feels judgement from me that she is too “small”.  It made me sad to think that she heard the message at some point that I think she is playing too small.  It made me wonder, “Are there other people who think I am judging where they are?  How am I making people feel that way?”  I get it.  I talk a lot about living to your potential, living your dream, playing a bigger game.  I have fallen short of defining what it means for me to say, “dream big”.  In working with my clients, I have found that the majority of them have little idea of what their dream is, until asked, until I give them permission to attend to it.  When was the last time you gave yourself permission to really dream BIG?  For me, playing big is not associated with anything tied to the ego.  It is not measured against someone else, it is not scaled as in BIG or SMALL.  Instead, playing BIG means FULLY living out who you are.  Give yourself permission to be you. If living in a cozy one-bedroom apartment is your dream and you’re LOVING it, AWESOME! If your dream is traveling the world with your family, AWESOME!  I am not attached to what your ideal life looks like.  It may appear small, it may appear luxurious, it may appear humble, what it looks like doesn’t matter.  What matters is how it feels on YOU!  When you hear me say play BIG, it means, PLAY BIG at BEING YOU!  Playing BIG at being you means you stand up for your values, you are unapologetic about who you are and what your convictions are.  It means you are comfortable, confident, and secure in the life you are living.  Playing BIG at being YOU means you are maximizing your opportunity for joy.  It doesn’t mean that you’re eating steak and lobster ever night (although for some it may mean that). It means celebrate, honor, treasure, and value who you are, the gifts you bring, and the life you live.  If you’re feeling removed from that in any way, that is an indicator that there is more of you to be shared, experienced, celebrated, and expressed.  When you reach that space of fully expressing and living as YOU, you’ll experience the greatest joy you have ever known.  You’ll be energized, full of life, and have the ability to creatively navigate through obstacles. 

How to identify that you are playing BIG: 

Are you feeling fulfilled at the end of the day?  Do you go to sleep most nights saying to yourself, "Today was a good day.  I served the world today."? 

2. Do you spend the day doing what you love?  Are you doing tasks that leave you feeling connected to your joy? 

3. Are there times when you do not know what the next step is?  If you know the next step and everything is ordered, planned, and structured, I would suggest that your dream is not big enough! A BIG dream requires that you let go of being in control.  It requires you to be open, curious, and BOLD. 

4. Are you feeling valued, honored, and celebrated?  When you're living your dream and are in alignment with your truest essence, you no longer hide your gifts.  When you share your gifts you are celebrated by being compensated. 

5. You cannot do it alone.  No one ever does.  It is a myth we tell ourselves, that we should be able to achieve everything all on our own.  The truth is, every successful person has a someone -- maybe even a team of people -- supporting them. Do not hesitate to ask for help and delegate the tasks that take time from your serving in a bigger way.  Hand those tasks over to someone who will LOVE the opportunity to do them. The irony is that while I was attempting to make everyone happy, the result was that everyone was being deprived of the joy that I seek to create in the world.  In taking up that space in the job that was not serving me, I was also denying someone more qualified and more motivated the opportunity to THRIVE in it.  As I released the burden of thinking that I had to stay, I opened up opportunities for a better, more productive space for all.  

6. Are the relationships in your life leaving you feeling supported and nourished?  Do you feel encouraged to be yourself?

Feeling stuck by a fear of disappointing others?

I am a people-pleaser.  Do you know anyone like that?  Actually, to more accurately describe myself, I would say that I REALLY detest displeasing people.  I like to see others happy.  You might even say that I'm slightly addicted to pleasing.  For years that would mean that I would avoid saying, "No", or refrain from asking for what I want, as I wouldn't want someone to be overextended for my sake.  It would mean that I would avoid certain social situations, out of fear of disappointing others.  I remember one particular incident when 3 separate groups of friends were all going to be at the same venue and each of them invited me to join in the fun.  I was panic stricken, to the point that I didn't go.  I didn't realize what was going on at the time.  I knew that I was anxious and stressed.  It was an a-ha moment for me when I realized that the anxiety that I was experiencing was attached to my own fear of saying no and ultimately disappointing a friend, or several friends, as was the case in this situation.  Upon examination, I did this often.  In the past my addiction to pleasing others meant that I accepted a job that I knew wasn't right for me and then staying well beyond the date that I said I would, all to accommodate someone else. At least, that was what I was telling myself.  The reality was that I wasn't being of service to that job.  I was a horrible employee; complacent, unmotivated, depressed, moody, and addicted to seeing everything WRONG with my employer and her business.  It was unhealthy for all involved.  I was coming home in tears.  I was far removed from living from my purpose.  Part of me was dying inside at that job.  I literally had feces being thrown at me and a behavior plan in place asking a student to "Hit me harder" every time he hit me.  Although difficult, this dark place was also necessary for me to experience.  I wasn't going to move from this job as long as it was comfortable.  Deep down, I knew that there was more that I was meant to experience in life.  As I became more clear about what I wanted, it was easier to say no to the things that were not taking me there.  I said no to dates, job offers, and events that I felt were not supporting me to be living the life I wanted. I started saying YES to my big dreams.  The more that I said yes to my bigger vision, the more opportunities I found to support me to get there.  The two went hand in hand.  

Below is a checklist to see if your fear of disappointing others is holding you back:

1. Do you silently feel resentful and/or angry at the other person or the situation?  You tend to keep quiet about it.  You do not want to hurt anyone's feelings, but deep down, you are angry about feeling trapped by the situation.

2. Are you finding yourself avoiding the situation as much as possible?  You have a fear of what will come up if you start interacting.  You fear letting your own discomfort show.  You feel exhausted by trying to control it all and keep it from showing. 

3. Do you find yourself checking out at any/every opportunity?  When you are honest with yourself, you are not giving them the attention that they are asking for.  You are becoming complacent and sometimes that even results in mistakes being made. 

4. Do you find yourself daydreaming about being somewhere other than where you are?  You are on the phone, planning a night out with friends, checking facebook, texting, ANYTHING to avoid the present moment, reminding you of where you are.

5. Are you feeding yourself in other ways?  When you are not honoring yourself, you tend to seek nourishment from other sources; food, relationships, social media, etc.  Are you finding yourself stuck in a pattern that feels less than healthy?  This could be an indicator that you are compromising your own needs as a result of your fear of disappointing others.

6. Do you find yourself saying "Yes" when you want to be saying "no"?  Do you overextend yourself, saying yes to things that you do not have the time for? Does this leave you feeling resentful? 

As you release the fear of disappointing others, a miraculous thing happens, you stop holding back as you feel more freedom to be you.  In the process, you enrich the lives of those around you in a meaningful and authentic way.  

If you'd like to feel a sense of your freedom and have a meaningful impact on the lives of those around you, contact Star Staubach of Stellar Evolution Coaching.  Star supports clients to ignite their inner radiance and wake up to a life they love living! Schedule a free consultation today!