The Joy of Letting Go

The Joy of Letting Go

Have you ever begun something with really high motivation, only to hit a road block that left you wondering if you’d ever see the result you set out for?  What do you do in that situation?  How do you navigate beyond that road block?  I found myself in that space recently, and it was deflating and left me feeling paralyzed. I didn’t know what to do and the image of achieving my goal was rapidly slipping from my thoughts.  Instead, my mind was riddled with more obstacles, fears, and doubts.  My head was filled with next steps of implementation for my business, while everywhere else, I was getting signs that my children needed me to stop attending to work and start attending to them.  My sitter quit: “This is my last day. So sorry. I can’t do this.”  It was in this space that I did the thing that felt most uncomfortable to me -- I let go.  I let go of forcing the answer.  I let go of needing it to look my way.  I let go of thinking I was in charge.  Reality was quickly showing me that I had little control of the situation.  It was a ROUGH space to be in.  It felt heavy and paralyzing, and I couldn’t see a way out. The moment I gave myself permission to let go, everything changed.  The following day was filled with a sense of ease, joy, appreciation, and much laughter.  I felt the weight lift.  Admittedly, my mind still wanted to drift to the “problems” of my situation.  I consciously decided to stay clear of thinking about it and instead chose to  focus on being present, in the moment with my children.  Passion and Relationship Coach, Joshua Barfelz of Unearth the Passion discusses this within relationships, encouraging each of us to go to the discomfort. The amygdala (fight or flight portion of our brain) is triggered when we feel discomfort and fear.  In that space we either fight with the situation (or person) we are faced with, or we flee.  Barfelz suggests that when it comes to relationships, since we are relatively safe, but feeling emotionally challenged, it is actually best when we stay with it, and do whatever feels MOST uncomfortable; connect, go to the other person, invite yourself to be more present to the situation, resist the urge to run from the problem.  Spending time with my children was not uncomfortable for me. Instead, the idea that spending time with them would be the solution felt distant.  It felt like I was being irresponsible to my business. In fact, it was the MOST responsible thing I could have done.  While attending to my children, I held the belief and trust that somehow I would find the time to implement my most important next steps for my business.  I surrendered the idea of needing the answers and instead welcomed the opportunity for solutions to flow my way. As you may have guessed, everything worked out fine.  You most likely didn’t notice that I didn’t have a newsletter to you, phone calls and other business-related obligations were tended to on an as-needed basis, which were extremely limited. Most importantly, my girls got to spend quality time with me, and I with them.  I got to see their sweet faces lit up, giggling, and free of worry.  I immediately found another sitter who is delighted at the opportunity to be with my girls AND I attracted a sponsor for my radio show -- a MAJOR WIN in my business and something I have been seeking for months.  I share this with you because I believe this same experience can be yours.  What are you feeling yourself gripping onto?  What are you wanting to flee?  Gift yourself (and others) by going to what feels most uncomfortable.  Extend a gesture to the person you’re feeling distanced from.  Remove yourself from a situation that you feel stuck in.  Notice the way you typically respond and today choose to be with the situation differently by doing what feels uncomfortable.  I believe in you.  Share your comments and feedback below.  Like what you’re reading? Pass it along it along to a friend, maybe this message being passed is your way of extending the olive branch needed. 

Beat Your Own Drum

What thoughts do you have when you hear a statement about beating your own drum? At a workshop recently, a young man said that he feels most alive when he drums.  He was asked to do it on the spot.  When he did, the audience erupted in dance and excitement.  His drumming not only made him come alive, it supported others to do the same.  OK, so he quite literally was drumming, but it got me to thinking that this is a great metaphor for life.  It made me wonder, what is my gift?  What do I have that when expressed brings more joy to the world? I ask the same question of you.  What supports you to beat your own drum of excellence?  If you are anything like me, you might have mind chatter that tells you that beating your own drum is egotistical and selfish.  Maybe you tell yourself that somehow doing so would make you stand out, leaving others to feel insignificant.  The truth that I witnessed as this young man beat on his makeshift drum was quite the opposite of insignificance. Instead, the audience felt more alive! He felt witnessed, validated, and celebrated!  Everyone was lifted by the experience of him beating away, at his own rhythm. Had he played softly, none of them would have had the same experience.  Not all of us have an actual drum that we play on, but we do have a unique gift and when expressed, that gift ignites a spark in the world.   When stifled, tucked away, dismissed and sometimes even shamed, we deprive ourselves and others the opportunity of experiencing the great joy that results from full self expression.  Do yourself a favor and stop the pain of dismissing your gifts. For years, I allowed myself to be contained for fear of what others would think or how they would feel about it.  I could feel the restriction of it and the pain of putting myself into a box that didn’t fit me.  I tried to fit in, blend in and play it safe. 

Give yourself permission to beat your own drum.  Full expression improves the lives of those around you.  Beware, there are some however, who are used to you being contained and it feels uncomfortable and even unpredictable for them if you no longer fit that mold.  It will feel challenging for you to keep your beat.  Over time you'll naturally gravitate to those who celebrate and encourage you while giving you permission to fully be you.  

1. Surround yourself with at least 2-4 people who are able to see you and celebrate, encourage and believe in you. 
2. Notice the way you feel and the way others feel when you are expressing your gifts. Can you think of a time when you felt really joyful after expressing talents?  Maybe it was after a meal you prepared or after delivering a report to a group of peers.  Take notice of how this moment not only blessed you and made you feel whole, but it also blessed those who were present to witness it. 
3. Ask for feedback when it feels appropriate. 
4. Create a “GO FOR IT” pile.  When others are witness to your gifts, they share compliments and encouraging words.  Collect these words of affirmation and return to them when you feel distanced from or in question of your own talent.  This list will support you to keep going through the moments when you feel like the lonely drummer.  

Remember, although you may beat the rhythm of your own drum, others can pick up and will jive with you when you start.  They’re waiting for you to start, so that they can jump in with you!, sharing in a dance of joy and aliveness!  

Here’s to you beating your drum, attracting and connecting with others who resonate with your rhythm and vibe.  I see you shining!  

If you would like to more fully express your talents, feel free to contact Star Staubach for your complimentary consultation.  

Play A Bigger Game

Last week I had a conversation with a friend about playing big. She shared with me that she sometimes feels judgement from me that she is too “small”.  It made me sad to think that she heard the message at some point that I think she is playing too small.  It made me wonder, “Are there other people who think I am judging where they are?  How am I making people feel that way?”  I get it.  I talk a lot about living to your potential, living your dream, playing a bigger game.  I have fallen short of defining what it means for me to say, “dream big”.  In working with my clients, I have found that the majority of them have little idea of what their dream is, until asked, until I give them permission to attend to it.  When was the last time you gave yourself permission to really dream BIG?  For me, playing big is not associated with anything tied to the ego.  It is not measured against someone else, it is not scaled as in BIG or SMALL.  Instead, playing BIG means FULLY living out who you are.  Give yourself permission to be you. If living in a cozy one-bedroom apartment is your dream and you’re LOVING it, AWESOME! If your dream is traveling the world with your family, AWESOME!  I am not attached to what your ideal life looks like.  It may appear small, it may appear luxurious, it may appear humble, what it looks like doesn’t matter.  What matters is how it feels on YOU!  When you hear me say play BIG, it means, PLAY BIG at BEING YOU!  Playing BIG at being you means you stand up for your values, you are unapologetic about who you are and what your convictions are.  It means you are comfortable, confident, and secure in the life you are living.  Playing BIG at being YOU means you are maximizing your opportunity for joy.  It doesn’t mean that you’re eating steak and lobster ever night (although for some it may mean that). It means celebrate, honor, treasure, and value who you are, the gifts you bring, and the life you live.  If you’re feeling removed from that in any way, that is an indicator that there is more of you to be shared, experienced, celebrated, and expressed.  When you reach that space of fully expressing and living as YOU, you’ll experience the greatest joy you have ever known.  You’ll be energized, full of life, and have the ability to creatively navigate through obstacles. 

How to identify that you are playing BIG: 

Are you feeling fulfilled at the end of the day?  Do you go to sleep most nights saying to yourself, "Today was a good day.  I served the world today."? 

2. Do you spend the day doing what you love?  Are you doing tasks that leave you feeling connected to your joy? 

3. Are there times when you do not know what the next step is?  If you know the next step and everything is ordered, planned, and structured, I would suggest that your dream is not big enough! A BIG dream requires that you let go of being in control.  It requires you to be open, curious, and BOLD. 

4. Are you feeling valued, honored, and celebrated?  When you're living your dream and are in alignment with your truest essence, you no longer hide your gifts.  When you share your gifts you are celebrated by being compensated. 

5. You cannot do it alone.  No one ever does.  It is a myth we tell ourselves, that we should be able to achieve everything all on our own.  The truth is, every successful person has a someone -- maybe even a team of people -- supporting them. Do not hesitate to ask for help and delegate the tasks that take time from your serving in a bigger way.  Hand those tasks over to someone who will LOVE the opportunity to do them. The irony is that while I was attempting to make everyone happy, the result was that everyone was being deprived of the joy that I seek to create in the world.  In taking up that space in the job that was not serving me, I was also denying someone more qualified and more motivated the opportunity to THRIVE in it.  As I released the burden of thinking that I had to stay, I opened up opportunities for a better, more productive space for all.  

6. Are the relationships in your life leaving you feeling supported and nourished?  Do you feel encouraged to be yourself?