Is your relationship with your child pushing your buttons? Feel like pushing back? Notice what happens when you do. Does it feel good when you fight back? Maybe, temporarily. If you are anything like me and you allow yourself to be triggered by your child or someone else, you later feel like crap. I have thoughts that surface, “I didn’t know that I had that in me. How ugly! I AM a nasty mother, just like I feared. I need to apologize.” There are times when we thing that this “ugly” is needed, and yet, more often than not, what is needed is the exact opposite.
Our initial reaction, when being triggered by our children is to either run away from the situation or to stand and fight it. This reaction is coming from our amygdala, the “fight or flight” portion of our brain. This area of the brain is activated when we experience stress, which includes emotional stress.
When stress is produced in your body, messages are being sent to your brain that you are in danger. The brain is misinterpreting emotional discomfort as a PHYSICAL pain and thus the reaction is FIGHT or FLIGHT. With that misinterpretation, you are likely to REACT with behavior that will elevate the pain of the situation, rather than relieve it.
The problem with reacting from this space is that there is no improvement for either party. When being emotionally triggered, what is needed is the exact OPPOSITE response of what might feel instinctual; fight or flight. Instead, when you infuse love and connection to the situation, you experience a drastically different dynamic. When you’re first reaction is to throw up your dukes and start fighting it out or to run and hide from the pain, you are only creating more of what you are seeking to avoid. By infusing love, compassion and connection into the scenario, you are diffusing the disconnection, hurt and blame and instead expediting your potential to get closer to where you want to be, connected to your child.
No one WANTS to be fighting and hurting. BOTH parties want to be experiencing something other than what is happening. Are you willing to respond differently, so that you can move toward your desired outcome? Stop the chatter in your mind for a moment, you know the thoughts, “BUT she was WRONG for yelling at me first. I have a RIGHT to fight back. I don’t want to let HER win this. She needs to know that I am in charge! I want her to know that she is WRONG. I don’t want to back down and appear weak.” and any other form of negative talk that is keeping you from your desired outcome. WHO CARES if she was wrong first? You cannot solve that by elevating the situation. She can actually HEAR you if she is feeling safe and connected. So, GO THERE FIRST! Connect first. Are you willing to do what feels uncomfortable, so that you can experience a different outcome? When you do, not only will you grow, but your relationship will too!
This post was written for mothers, however the techniques can be applied to ANY and ALL relationships.
Star Staubach is a Aliveness Coach with Ignite Radiance. She is deeply passionate about supporting mothers, women and teen girls to fully embrace their radiance and release the pain of playing it down. Star played it down for decades - OUCH!
